Thursday, June 21, 2012

Try Harder

Anyone who's ever met me knows I'm pretty comfortable with myself. There are things I'd change about my appearance if I could, but for the most part I'm at peace with my body. Even being as confident as I am though, there are some days when I just feel kind of blah. Today is one of those days.

You know those days when you just feel weird about your body? I'm not even sure why, but I'm just annoyed with my appearance today. I know it's cause I haven't gone to the gym in over a week and I ate too much dinner. I never eat a lot, but I was starving earlier and now I'm uncomfortable full. I hate being full (I prefer just being not hungry). I keep finding myself nitpicking my body and then feeling traitorous for not being more confident.

So when I came across this quote it really hit home for me (via):
“...the fact that “love your body” rhetoric shifts the responsibility for body acceptance over to the individual, and away from communities, institutions, and power, is also problematic. individuals who do not love their bodies, who find their bodies difficult to love, are seen as being part of the problem. the underlying assumption is that if we all loved our bodies just as they are, our fat-shaming, beauty-policing culture would be different. if we don’t love our bodies, we are, in effect, perpetuating normative (read: impossible) beauty standards. if we don’t love our individual bodies, we are at fault for collectively continuing the oppressive and misogynistic culture. if you don’t love your body, you’re not trying hard enough to love it. in this framework, your body is still the paramount focus, and one way or another, you’re failing. it’s too close to the usual body-shaming, self-policing crap, albeit with a few quasi-feminist twists, for comfort.”
I'm not sure I agree with the entire post, but anyone who has ever felt guilty for not being more confident will be able to relate to this I think.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Need for Speed Change

I tend to go through phases where I feel utterly and completely insane. I get all antsy and weird and I start craving big changes. Some tangible display of my inner confusion. Specific examples I can point to and say to myself, "see this is why you feel so out of sorts." Since bigger changes are sometimes hard to come by, this feeling of restlessness usually turns into me complaining for a while and then doing something pretty tame like chopping off all my hair.

This time it was obsessing about moving and getting some dermal piercings on my chest.

I've come to really love Utah in the time I've been here, but I genuinely feel like it's time to move on. I'm not even sure why. I'm starting to grow into my new job and I work with some great people. I'm also hanging out with old friends and I adore the University of Utah. And yet, at the end of the day I still feel like a fish out of water. Like there's something missing from my life and I'm not gonna find it here.

Now, I'm not completely unrealistic. I realize there isn't some magical place where everything is perfect and I need to finish school before I even consider leaving. Out of state tuition is a nightmare and like I said...I love the U. I'm also not sure how moving away from Ryan will work for Holden so I can't be too rash. It's just that I've tried to make long lasting relationships here, and I haven't been too successful. So maybe somewhere else will be better.

So I've accepted that I can't move this month, or even this year (I'm looking at a two year timetable if anything), but I'm also working on finding smaller adventures here. Yeah I'd like to have closer relationships with the people I meet here, but I don't have to be defined by that desire. I can still go out and do the things I want to do. Even if I have to do them alone.

For some reason doing things alone has always been a little terrifying to me. For one, I never shut up so it's hard for me to not have anyone to talk to. And secondly, part of the fun of doing new things are the people you get to share the experiences with. But I'm starting to learn the freedom that comes in doing things alone. I can spend as little or as much time as I want doing what I like and I'm forced out of my comfort zone. Plus, you never know who you're gonna meet when you aren't occupied by your friends.

I keep trying to remind myself that I'm in control of my own happiness. You are what you think you are and I don't want to obsess over things that aren't worth the time. So I'm trying to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can't accept instead. And so far it's working out alright.