Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Need for Speed Change

I tend to go through phases where I feel utterly and completely insane. I get all antsy and weird and I start craving big changes. Some tangible display of my inner confusion. Specific examples I can point to and say to myself, "see this is why you feel so out of sorts." Since bigger changes are sometimes hard to come by, this feeling of restlessness usually turns into me complaining for a while and then doing something pretty tame like chopping off all my hair.

This time it was obsessing about moving and getting some dermal piercings on my chest.

I've come to really love Utah in the time I've been here, but I genuinely feel like it's time to move on. I'm not even sure why. I'm starting to grow into my new job and I work with some great people. I'm also hanging out with old friends and I adore the University of Utah. And yet, at the end of the day I still feel like a fish out of water. Like there's something missing from my life and I'm not gonna find it here.

Now, I'm not completely unrealistic. I realize there isn't some magical place where everything is perfect and I need to finish school before I even consider leaving. Out of state tuition is a nightmare and like I said...I love the U. I'm also not sure how moving away from Ryan will work for Holden so I can't be too rash. It's just that I've tried to make long lasting relationships here, and I haven't been too successful. So maybe somewhere else will be better.

So I've accepted that I can't move this month, or even this year (I'm looking at a two year timetable if anything), but I'm also working on finding smaller adventures here. Yeah I'd like to have closer relationships with the people I meet here, but I don't have to be defined by that desire. I can still go out and do the things I want to do. Even if I have to do them alone.

For some reason doing things alone has always been a little terrifying to me. For one, I never shut up so it's hard for me to not have anyone to talk to. And secondly, part of the fun of doing new things are the people you get to share the experiences with. But I'm starting to learn the freedom that comes in doing things alone. I can spend as little or as much time as I want doing what I like and I'm forced out of my comfort zone. Plus, you never know who you're gonna meet when you aren't occupied by your friends.

I keep trying to remind myself that I'm in control of my own happiness. You are what you think you are and I don't want to obsess over things that aren't worth the time. So I'm trying to accept the things I can't change and change the things I can't accept instead. And so far it's working out alright.


  1. This is such a great post. I've been feeling the same lately, I've been seriously looking in to moving to California. None of that is feasible right now, but I also feel stuck. I love Utah, it's my home, but I need a change for a little while. It seems like a universal concept, but I'm surprised at how many people I know think that's ridiculous.

    1. People often talk about leaving, but end up staying in the same town they were raised. And for some people that's enough, but for some it isn't (us!). I just try to stay grounded and focus on the little ways I can change things.

      P.S. we should hang out!

  2. I saw the title as "The Need For Speed Change," and I thought for sure it would be about how you want to quickly make alterations in your life or that you were begging for quarters to fund an amphetamine habit. Very pleasantly surprised by the actual post.

    All I would add is that I'm not a big proponent of the, "You have to love yourself first," mentality. It's good to like yourself, and no good hating yourself, but people who love themselves are nuts.

    Also, you might not want to spend too much time alone, away from other people. That's what I did after long-term relationships ended (a sort of shut-in mourning period lasting months at a time), and I was told I always came out more and more weird each time. Spending too much time with only yourself tends to cause the extreme aspects of ourselves to become more pronounced, which in my case has always led to me being less... let's say "palatable," which seems so much nicer than "tolerable."

    Just as an example... I also talk to fill silence, perhaps in my case far too often, and when I've been alone for an extended period of time... the next person I chat with, I never shut up. I've had several minute conversations with supermarket baggers, gas station clerks, Jehovah's Witnesses... it's not pretty.

    1. haha I have a bad habit of never shutting up, but I'm usually good at being able to read people and knowing when to stop. I get what you mean though. Luckily my job makes it impossible for me to shut myself in for any period of time. I'm constantly surrounded by people.

      I don't think you have to love yourself because I think of it more as a process and not some girl scout badge you add to your sash. Hating yourself is a complete waste of effort though.