Over the last year I've learned a lot about myself and I think being single has made all the difference. I spent almost my entire adult life in a relationship. And while I wouldn't trade my time with Ryan for anything, there are some things you can only learn about yourself when you're alone. Being half of a couple can be consuming in a way you don't fully notice until it's gone. It can creep up on you and when you're left without that other half, suddenly you realize how much of yourself you gave up.
I don't mean to imply there's anything wrong with that. In fact, I got so much back in return it didn't feel like a sacrifice at all. But the fact still stands, that learning how to be single after being in a relationship for so long is largely a practice in getting to know who you are without all the sacrifices and compromises. There are also less excuses for your own fears and failures. It's easy to put things off when you have other people to think of, but now I find the only thing standing in my way is me.
And that can be frightening.
But even though I like being single for the most part, some days I inevitably feel lonely. I crave the knowledge that someone loves me and wants to be with me. I'm not even sure why. I think it's just natural for us to seek out other people and we all desire being desired to some degree. Either way, I don't like feeling like this. All weird and lonely.
That's not bad when you really think about it.