Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Tattoos and Talks of Fate

“It was long since I had longed for anything and the effect on me was horrible.” -Samuel Beckett
Sometimes I get in a weird head space where all I can think about is all the things I don't know and all ways I feel stuck. Overall I really enjoy my life and I've worked hard to ensure it's full of as much laughter and love as possible. But for as much as I adore my friends and my silly entry level job, some days I can't help but feel like something is missing. The feeling of restlessness creeps up on me and I start craving change. (I'm pretty positive I've mentioned this before.) What was a light drizzle yesterday started to turn into a heavy torrent today, so I did the only thing I could do: I got a tattoo.

It's pretty much as small of a tattoo as a person can get, but it represents the way I feel about a lot of things in life. The red string of fate is "an invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” The Chinese believe it is wrapped around the ankle, while the Japanese say it's the pinky. Either way, I've been enamored with the idea since I first read about it. I love the idea that our hearts are just coiled up bits of red thread that are connected to all the people we love and ever will love. There's something precious about the legend that appeals to my inner romantic.

Speaking of romance, the tattoo is also a reminder that love will happen when it's supposed to. Sometimes I can come off as cynical, but the truth is I believe in taking chances. Maybe I've seen too many romantic comedies, but I'm looking for something exceptional. I want to meet a person that inspires me to take a big leap. Someone who makes me want to change my whole life. For some reason I find it slightly embarrassing to admit that, but I will not settle for mediocrity in love. So when I meet someone I just click with, I can get almost obsessive about them. I get overly excited and try to rush things along. Maybe I do this as a form of self-sabotage because I don't think I'll ever truly find such a person. Sometimes I worry there's just not enough love in the world to keep me satisfied. Either way this tattoo is a reminder to step back. To let my emotions flow over me without drowning in them. Things will work out the way they need to. Just as they usually do.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

GNOT: Happiness is never grand

“Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.”

                                                                            — Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Things that make me sad

1. Living alone

I've never lived on my own. Ever. I know some people like the space and the freedom, but I'm not one of those people. I like full houses. Homes full of people and love and the smell of delicious dinners. At the end of this month I have to move into my own place and it breaks my heart a little bit. I know there will be a lot of positives once I adjust, but I don't like it one bit. Like most people I've always secretly hoped my life would be like the show Friends and I'm having a hard time accepting it isn't.

2. An abandoned book

I haven't had the time to read lately and it hurts my soul.

3. Growing apart

A year ago my life was completely different. I had close friendships with people that I thought would last a long time. Even though I've made friends with some amazing people over the last six months, I still find myself mourning the friendships I thought I'd have. Some days I think I should try to mend fences. Other days I question how I could care so much about things people seem to care so little about.

4. Cooking for one

Is there anything more depressing? Feeding people is in my blood. I miss it.

5. Numbness

Some days I worry I'll never feel anything as strongly as I once did. And it's just so sad.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

New Music Thursday

I'm being a bad blog mistress again. Oh well. They say life is what happens when you're busy planning it and I don't want to be that person. So go outside. Or stay in and listen to some great music! :)

New Music Thursday is an attempt to keep my goal of listening to some new music alive and kicking. Not all of these bands/artists are new to me, but all of the songs are.

These are the songs I'm diggin this week:

Something Good Can Work by Two Door Cinema Club:

Crazy Vibes by Selah Sue:

Someone Else by Wild Child:

Miracle Drug by A.C. Newman:

Undone by Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles:

Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles is where it's at people. I can't stop listening to them.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Miss someone until you don’t

I love everything about this. It's long but lovely.
“Remove yourself, physically. Change time zones and continents or lock yourself away in your bedroom or do anything that will limit your contact with the person you usually pass hours, days, weeks with. Do it because you have to, because today you need to see something new or today you need to see no one. Isolate yourself until you’re lonely and not just alone, until you can’t stand to stay away any longer, until you begin to wonder why you holed up in this jail cell in the first place. Everything, everywhere will feel like a jail cell. 
Or remove yourself, mentally. Challenge the distance between your two minds; pick an empty argument so that its frayed resolution can loom in the void you’ve created. Harp on the memory of particular days, days that seem ancient now, days you spent together like that Indian summer when you took an hours-long drive and the people and things inside of the car glowed like trophies trapped in a permanent golden hour. Remember the things you said to each other on that car ride, remember the night that followed it and miss that person. Where did that person go?

Take inventory of your life and note what’s gone missing. The easy company. The long talks. The unblinking, all-knowing eye contact. These are things you now know exist but had never taken special notice of before. Now they’re showing up to take you to task, to make you acknowledge how rare it is to find them in someone else. Here they are, these objects of joy, obvious as ever now that they’re out of reach, now that they’re being withheld.

Try to regain what you’ve lost but have trouble expressing yourself. Choose all the wrong words; speak your own limited language. You’ll mean to say, “I’m keeping busy,“ or “How was your day?” or “I’ve been reading this fantastic book you’d like; you should borrow it,” but all of the sentiments just spill out of your mouth as “I miss you.” Every gap in conversation caulked with “I miss you.” You’ll momentarily question where all of your other thoughts went, you had them five minutes ago but these three words are all you can manage to articulate.

Miss someone until they come back, or until you come back, until their absence in your life becomes something to be avoided at all costs. Miss them until you don’t have to anymore, until you’re reunited in your favorite booth in your favorite restaurant ordering your favorite meal, miss them until it feels like you never left. Or miss them until you can’t anymore, until the things you miss are identified and cataloged as things and not a person, until you figure out that easy company and long talks and unblinking, all-knowing eye contact will find you again the way they found you the first time. Miss someone until you don’t."
— Stephanie Georgopulos, How To Miss Someone