Saturday, December 22, 2012
Three letters for the end of the world
Shockingly, the world didn't end today. As I got to thinking though, I realized I had a few letters I needed to write but never send. If it really was the end of the world, this is some of what I'd say.
Person #1: Even after all this time I still miss you.
I'm not even sure why. Sometimes I think about all the awful things we said to each other and I can't help but hate you a tiny bit. And smile. You always managed to put the same stupid grin on my face and that hasn't seemed to change with time. There's just something about you. You crawled under my skin and no matter how hard I try to shake you, there you are. You once said no one was special because we're all special, but I don't believe that. I can't. Because for whatever reason, you're special to me.
As the days have turned into months your pull on me has gotten a lot weaker, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't there at all. I loved you. I still do. And even though you never cared enough about me for it to truly matter, I don't do things in half measures. So there you are. This tiny little part of my heart that won't stop beating. You said long ago you learned long ago not to trust your gut. You'd been proven wrong too many times so you had to learn to be cautious. That became the lesson you taught me.
Person #2: I don't love you but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that you don't love me. I know this makes me a bad person, but I'm amazing and you're an idiot for not realizing it. Sometimes I wish I could feel more for you. Even though I know it'd end disastrously, I can't help but feel a little sad over how indifferent we both are. We've become comfortable with one another and that's always the hardest part. Yet we lack that...something. You once said you weren't sure if you'd ever been in love before. I think that's the difference between you and I. I need someone who knows falling in love is easy but staying in love is hard. That love is like a bolt of lightening that takes no prisoners. I know we care in our own ways, but it's not the same.
And that's kind of sad.
Person #3: The first time I saw you you were looking at me. I could feel the weight of your gaze like a lead weight around my heart. I found myself trying to be funny and witty whenever you were around. I thought I could win you over with my cleverness and only now do I see how very hard I was trying. I knew we didn't have a lot of time, but somehow I thought it would be enough. I tend to do that though. Always putting too much faith in tomorrow.
You came into my life like high tide. I relished in the rush of you even as I drowned in my own expectations. As the water slowly pulled back from the shore though, I was left bereft. I didn't know what to do with myself and the sudden coldness I felt in my bones. I think of you too often. I know this. I think it's because part of me keeps hoping you'll come back into my life. It's not impossible right? High tide and low tide. But I'm tired of being haunted by the hope of something that will never come. I can feel myself being broken down into tiny little flecks of sand and I can't bear it. So know that when I think of you, I think of how to rid myself of you. I'm not even sure you're real. I think you might just be an idea. A reflection of the things I'd like to some day find glittering on the surface.
Please come back.