Monday, November 11, 2013

Ghosts that broke my heart

"My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bear their bickerings."

It's funny how something that mattered so much to you can end up being nothing more than an interesting memory. The things that broke your heart over and over again start to fade into a whisper of emotion and eventually the situation becomes little more than a story you tell people. Something that once happened. You know, that one thing. I don't know how or why, but I ended up reading all of the posts surrounding my breakup with Ryan. Maybe it's because it's been two years. Maybe it's because I'm working the grave and the stillness of the night always speaks to things long gone. Either way, as I journeyed down the rabbit hole of old emotions I was pleasantly surprised.

I'm genuinely not that person anymore.

That Alana couldn't imagine a world without Ryan. She felt like her whole life was being ripped away from her and was sad, so very sad. The type of sadness that only comes around every once and a while. A deep sorrow that came from feeling lost and alone and utterly unloved.

I can't even imagine feeling that strongly about Ryan today. Not about a man who is so obviously wrong for the person I've become. Even though I can remember being that lost girl, I can no longer feel anything similar to it. It's completely and thoroughly gone. Just another story. That thing that happened.

Ironically it's the posts about the next person I had feelings for that still tug at my heart. Maybe it's because I still recognize that person. Yeah things have changed and my feelings have lessened, but there isn't an overwhelming feeling of closure or moving on like with Ryan. These wounds still ache. I may go weeks and even months without thinking about it, but when I do I still feel something. Anger, bitterness, longing. Those aren't the emotions of a person who has moved on. I can still see myself in those words and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Build Your Wings On The Way Down:
There are so many other things I allowed myself to forget. I'd forgotten that sometimes people can unassumingly creep into your life and then leave with all the grace of a tornado. I'd forgotten that sometimes your friends can be the only thing that makes life seem bearable, but they can also be the ones who hurt you the most. I'd forgotten how easy it is to fall a little bit in love with the idea of someone. And I'd forgotten how everything can change in the blink of an eye. Strangers become friends and sometimes friends become lovers, but far too often those same people end up being just another part of your past.

...Kurt Vonnegut said, “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” Even though I've always looked inward when I read it, the sentiment works both ways. No matter how much you think someone is just running from the truth, there comes a time when that certainty isn't enough. When you just have to accept the pretense, no matter how much your heart screams for otherwise, because it simply hurts too much not to. I wish it wasn't so, but sometimes letting go is the bravest thing you can do.

I know I'm being terribly vague again, but its hard to admit you could be so wrong about someone. To say you fell for someone who didn't fall back. I don't know why, but when you put your trust in the wrong person you're the one who feels a little ashamed. Like there was something that could have been done differently. Some sign that you just needed to try harder to read. I think the first person you truly care for after a big breakup is the most special. There's something sacred about the affection that's formed out of the shattered pieces of your previous love and hopes. But while it may be the most surprising, and therefore the most touching, it's also the most delicate. All it takes is a little carelessness for it to fall right back apart. So here I am learning how to pick up the pieces once again and just trying to build my wings on the way down.
As much as it hurts my ego to admit it, I can recognize that person because I still am that person. The edges of my disappointment may have softened over time, but it's still there. And all the experiences I've had since then are somehow tied up in the mess of those emotions. Maybe one day I'll find the perfect thread in my heart to snip and I can rid myself of the tangled mess of my emotion, but until then I've just accepted that I'll have to live with certain ghosts.



With Ryan I traded comfort for the promise of something better. And later I traded something wonderful for something real. I wonder what I'll trade next.

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