Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Goodbye

If I could go back and do things all over, what would I do?

I would have been more honest about my hopes for the future of our relationship. My desire for something more serious took me by surprise so I wasn't prepared for my jealousy or insecurity. I unfairly asked you to carry the burden of that and I'm sorry.

If I could go back, I would have been honest that I didn't want to share you. And I would have left when you didn't feel the same. I can't control how other people feel and you don't owe me any affection you don't have. When you expressed a disinterest in being with only me, I should have ended things. Not out of spite or anger but because that would have been the right thing to do. It hurt, but what happened in the weeks that followed only made my heartache that much worse. I deserve someone wants to be with just me and you deserve to not be forced into something you aren't ready for. I'm sorry I pushed so hard.

I became so fixated on a specific outcome that I lost the ability to be open to different paths of happiness.


In a weird way I've been freed from that prison of expectation. I now have limitless options at happiness. There is no one way for anything to work out. There are innumerable paths with infinite possibilities. I feel myself opening slowly like the petals of a flower.

I wanted to be with you so much that I forgot that I was happy before you.

Relationships happen in the moment. They aren't something you own or something to be gained. They just are. I should have trusted that things were going to work out. And when I found myself incapable of trust, I should have left. I couldn't give up the hope that I could just make things happen the way I wanted and I'm sorry for that. I hope you know it all came from a place of love. (And fear I suppose.) I go into this new phase of my life with a little more trust and little less fear. Things really do work out the way they should. I have to believe that.

The thing I was most afraid of happening happened and I am okay.

That's a freeing thing to know.

If I could go back I would kiss you hard and tell you I loved you. Then I'd walk away with the hope that you would find your way back to me and the knowledge that it was okay if you didn't.

It's still okay.

I love you and I'm sorry.

I think I am done writing about this for a while. There is just nothing left. I am at the point where I am no longer writing for myself I think. I need to find what happiness looks like for me in this brave new world and I can't do that if I keep reopening the wound. I think I'll always miss you though. It would have been grand adventure. You'll always be my biggest "what if."

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