Thursday, January 21, 2016

Letting Go

I saw this article on Thought Catalog and it really spoke to me:
One of the hardest decisions I have ever made has been letting go of someone I truly cared about.

I let them go because I realized I wasn’t happy anymore. I was once again, falling trap to my biggest fear: settling. I was settling for that person because I focused on the potential, rather than the reality. I was focusing on what we could have been, rather than what we were. I ignored all the tears that I cried and focused on the good times that we had because I thought that we would eventually get it right. I ignored the lack of progress that we made every time we got into a fight. I ignored the lack of communication we had and always blamed it on bad timing, and busy schedules. I ignored all the secrets, lies, and the broken promises. At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing. Now I realize, I was only making excuses; I was lying to myself. I wanted it to work out, so I lied to myself and told myself I was happy. I was content with how things were, and I was content with how I was being treated.

But then one day, I woke up, and I realized that I was still with that person because I was scared. I was scared because everyone else in my past, it never worked out with, and suddenly I was so close to getting it right. I was scared to let go, because I did not think I would ever get something as great as what I had. But was it great? Because I wasn’t feeling so great about being with that person anymore. I had more doubts than reassurances. When I was with him I felt secure, but when I wasn’t, my thoughts were clouded with doubts. I didn’t know anymore if being with that person was what I wanted. Suddenly I realized there were more times that I didn’t miss him than times that I did. That was when I realized that I wasn’t happy anymore. I didn’t want to settle anymore. I wanted to confront my fear and overcome it.
My situation is a little different. I was left when I was still completely in love with the person, but I hadn't been really happy with him in a while if I'm being honest. I wish I could say I had been strong enough to leave, but I wasn't. I was most definitely left.

I really recognize myself in these words. I was too focused on the good times and not the now. Every time we would argue about our relationship, I would feel less confident and less secure. I was happy when I was with him, but when we were apart my life was filled with anxiety and restlessness. I should have recognized then that something was off. Even now, every time I see his name light up on my phone I'm filled with anxiety. I get this pit in my stomach and I am flooded with dread. This is not how a person you care about should make you feel. That's not a healthy relationship to have with someone.
“You can tell so much about a person by the way they leave you.”
                                                                                                             —Redvers Bailey
For a while I was so happy. I had never met someone who spoke to me the way he did. Who spoke to that weird squishy part inside of me that I had forgotten about. The problem is he went through some personal issues and it really changed things for us. He changed. In a very very short window of time he went from loving me to loving someone else and I've finally come to accept that I fell in love with him on his best day. I fell in love with the best version of him and he hasn't been that man for a few months now.
"How often, you wonder, has the direction of your life been shaped by such misunderstandings? How many opportunities have you been denied—or, for that matter, awarded—because someone failed to see you properly? How many friends have you lost, how many have you gained, because they glimpsed some element of your personality that shone through for only an instant, and in circumstances you could never reproduce? An illusion of water shimmering at the far bend of a highway."
—Kevin Brockmeier
I won't pretend it doesn't hurt to know he's already moved on. I won't pretend that I'm not taking kick boxing with the hope that I'll run into her. But I also recognize that a love that can change like that, isn't worth much at all. He keeps telling me that sometimes people just change. I'm sorry, but that's just bullshit. A person who can turn off their affections for someone like a light switch is not a person worth loving. So what did she really take from me? Nothing. A week ago he said he would be open to maintaining a sexual relationship with me. Twenty days ago he told me he loved me. A month ago he told his coworker I was "his girl." The day after that, he said he wasn't giving up on what we had for her. So even though I want to hate her, I mostly just feel sorry for her. They deserve one another.
  • 2015-12-24 15:44
    I don't know what's gotten into you and why you're being so cute but you better watch out or you'll be stuck with me for sure hahaha
  • 2015-12-24 16:09
    It's how I feel today.

I deserve better and I can do better.

I would rather go through this hurt and grow into a better more kind version of myself than stay with someone who couldn't see the value of what we had. And that's really all there is. I've come to accept that I've gotten as much closure as I'll ever get and that there's nothing left to do but move on. It's comforting to know that things can only get better from here.

I would have loved him forever, but it's obvious he would have never loved me back the same way. Why hold on to that?

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