Tuesday, January 19, 2016

My IUD rejection and possible miscarriage

*I will be talking about my body and lots of other "gross" things. You've been warned.*

In order to understand what happened, I need to give you some back story. Because there are a few weird things that happened with my cycle in December.

In early December I had my first real period in quite a while. It was like my pre-IUD cycles and it lasted about five days. My period was heavy enough that I needed a tampon. Most of my periods up to this point were light and lasted a day or two (three at the most). I would use panty liners and I remember being surprised my period was so heavy. I even had to run to 7-11 to buy a box of tampons. I hadn't used a tampon in over a year.

Eventually my period ended and I went along my merry way.

Now lots of other things happened in December. I started a new job. I found out the guy I was seeing was hiding a relationship with another woman. I was going through some family stuff. During the month, I got extremely emotional. Fighting with my guy didn't help though so I assumed I was just being crazy. I would come home from work and just lay in bed. I did this for weeks. I was fatigued and I had issues with my appetite. I actually went 8 days without eating in a two and half week period. I would try to eat but I would feel nauseated and have to stop. I assumed this was related to my relationship woes (though even when things were good I couldn't eat), but now there is another possibility.

I may have been pregnant.

On January 1st I started my period. I bled for a day and then it stopped. A few days later, my period came back with a vengeance. I started cramping worse than I ever had and my discharge was bright red. I noticed that my period was heavier than usual and that I had a lot of discharge. As my period continued for about five more days, I passed some clots that were stringy and pretty gross to be completely honest. During this time, my IUD also rejected. Now this is weird because I've had my IUD for over a year. Most IUD expulsions happen soon after insertion, but again it's not unheard of.

Now this kind of freaked me out but everything online said that while it may be uncomfortable, there is nothing threatening about your IUD "falling out." In fact, I was kind of surprised at how common it is. The thing that stuck out to me the most though, was how much better I felt. I was still massively depressed from being dumped, but within just a few days I had more energy and wanted to go out with my friends again. I felt more in control of my emotions than I had in a while.

After talking to my doctor, it turns out I may have experienced a miscarriage. She said it was possible that my early December period was caused from my IUD being out of place and that the miscarriage forced the IUD out of my body. My period also matches what a three-four week miscarriage would look like. Now I want to point out that it is also possible that the two are not related at all and my IUD just decided to kick the bucket after a year and a half. Because I did not take a pregnancy test while I was experiencing...well whatever it was I was experiencing, the doctor can only speculate. Apparently as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and it is quite common for women to experience them without even knowing.

I'm not sure if knowing or not knowing is worse. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it because I have no way of knowing for sure and it seems selfish, but I am also struggling with the loss of something that could have been amazing. This is even more confusing for me because it is tied up with my feelings for the guy I was seeing. Part of me feels like I just can't get a break. And as horrible as it is for me to say, part of me feels relieved. There is no way a baby would have fixed my relationship and I can't imagine doing it alone. But if I'm being really honest, I think deep down I just feel a sinking sadness.

I'm not really sure what else to say.

So that's my story. I will never get another IUD. If any of my friends or family are reading this, I am sorry I didn't talk to you about it. I just don't know how to and I think I would rather not. If you found this post because you're going through something similar, I am so sorry for your loss. Know that it isn't your fault and I hope you find a little peace.

I think I would have really loved being pregnant.

2 comments:

  1. Just saw this on my reader, and wanted to offer a big hug, lots of love...and that's it. There are no words. Just take care. <3

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    1. Thank you. Your comment inspired me to finally talk about it with one of my friends and it helped <3

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