Tuesday, January 12, 2016

She's mad but she's magic

Sometimes you just have to find a version of yourself you can live with.

That version of me is sassy and opinionated and unapologetic. I often make a fool of myself, but I just don't care. I try not to focus on the times when things don't work out. Instead I am chasing those magical few moments when it all pays off. When my madness and my impulsiveness are rewarded by the universe. That is what life is about. The shots you thought you could never make and the rewards you never thought you'd reap.

I don't always make good decisions. I am impatient and selfish. I'm not always as understanding or kind as I would like to be. But you know what, I really try. I try more than a lot of people. And at the end of the day I will be there for you.

I'm not looking for a perfect relationship. I am not looking for someone who "fits me perfectly." I'm just looking for someone who won't give up on us. Someone who won't give up on me.

I am the best version of myself when I'm jumping off cliffs.

So I guess I'm finally okay with everything that happened. I won't pretend I'm over it or that it doesn't still hurt, but I did everything I could. I said everything I could say and tried and tried and tried. I reached out time and time again, even when I shouldn't have. Even now, I am trying to be open to whatever happens. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.

He was right to say I was trying to force things to work out the way I wanted. It may not have been fair, but it was accurate. Of course I wanted things to work out the way I wanted. I was poised to lose everything. How could I not fight? How could I not try? Here's the thing though, it didn't work. I was still left with nothing. So maybe a new approach is the answer. More than just the answer, it might be the only possible way to move forward.

For a little while I had the love of a wonderful man. I just couldn't make it last. I need to stop beating myself up over that.

One day I will make it last.

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