Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Take back your power

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You can't drag yourself through the mud and call it love. You can only love a person so much before they need to step up and love you back. This has been the lesson I've had to learn in the last few weeks. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my love alone would have never been enough to sustain us. It would have gotten tired and insecure and lazy. My love would have turned to resentment over time as he refused to sacrifice or make any effort for what we had.

As hard as it is to accept, the truth is what we had doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's gone.

A lot of people will say, "well at least you have the good times you shared." The truth is I don't want the memories of good times. I don't want the easy laughs or the lazy Sundays making love. I would cut them out of me and set them on fire if I could. It's okay to regret meeting people or experiences you shared. Too often we're told that we should look back fondly on what we had because somehow the very fact we experienced it is valuable. I don't buy that. It's okay to look back and think, "I wish I could have avoided this lesson." It's okay to recognize that you trusted someone who shouldn't have been trusted. It's okay to think the hurt wasn't worth the vague sense that you shared something meaningful with someone.

I trusted a man who liked the idea of being in love, but had no real intention of being with me. I don't give a fuck about the good times.
“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns. We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”
                                                                             -Brach in Radical Acceptance
Any person who hurts you or rejects you, is not the person for you. I keep telling myself this and it's true. The right person will not make you feel like you're worthless. They won't use up the parts of you that they like and then discard the rest. The person who is right for you will want you in their life. It sounds so simple, but it's not. I have convinced myself a million times that he must still care about me. That he must still feel some regret that things didn't work out. The thing I have to accept though is it doesn't matter. What he feels doesn't matter at all. What matters is that he manipulated me into thinking he wanted to be with me and then blamed me for his indifference. Because somehow me being who I am as a person is not worthy of commitment or sacrifice.

Fuck that.

Too many times I've torn myself down for a man who doesn't appreciate me. Too many times I've tried to turn myself inside out for a man who doesn't want me in his life. A man who can't see my value or my worth. That is not okay. I can't keep hurting myself and calling it love. A person worth loving will not make you hate yourself. They will hurt when they hurt you. They won't turn their back on you because it's easier.

A love that can evaporate in the blink of an eye is the type of love I am not interested in. That type of love is not enough. He is not enough. Period.
“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.”
                                                                                      -Lloyd Strom
His intentions were not to love me. He doesn't want to be with me. All the things I saw for us, taking our kids to the Children's Theater and Craters of the Moon, are gone. They don't exist anymore. If I am being really honest I can admit they never even existed in the first place. But that doesn't have to be the end. My happiness is not contingent on a man who doesn't want to be with me. That woman who plans and hopes and looks for happiness in the little things is still inside me. That's me. He didn't give me that. That's what I was giving him and he can't take that from me.

It's time for me to reclaim that.

When I love someone, I love them with everything I have. I won't abandon them. I won't give up when the times get hard. Maybe it's because I'm naturally optimistic, but I always love with the knowledge that our better days are ahead of us. That is a beautiful thing. Holding on to something after it's dead is not dedication. Holding on to someone who doesn't recognize your value is not love. It's self harm.

People always say they want a love that won't give up on them, but no one holds on. Well screw that. I don't want the pathetically thin love of an ambivalent man. I want to hold onto someone who wants to hold onto me. I may still love him, but I don't like him very much. So I am taking my power back and saying enough is enough.

I will get through this and one day I will look back with the confidence that I dodged a bullet.

Fuck the good times.

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