Saturday, January 16, 2016

When the person you love doesn't love you

I was googling ways to get over someone who doesn't love you and I came across this article. It's long and I'm posting most of it in its entirety because it's AMAZING. It is the best thing I've read and believe me, I've read a lot of posts on heartache.

Reject the rejector. That's my new mantra.
The first throes of rejection are really difficult to get through. You’re angry, you’re hurt, your personality is draining away along with your sense of humor. You are boring all your friends and family with sad stories of unrequited love. You trudge instead of walk; you sob instead of cry, you bellow instead of talk. You have deep, dark circles under your eyes. Time is slipping away. Your life is rushing by. You are sure you’ll never be happy again or find someone else to love.

You go back and forth between trying to accept it and denying that it’s true. You float in the in-between world of denial. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I'll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.

Another part of you feels the need to do something. You’re not sure what, but you know you can’t just sit there. Your mind refuses to shut off, and the many options play out in your head.

I will change things. I will call or text. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will be very persuasive as to how this is all wrong. We belong together! No, no. . . . I will go out and take a bunch of selfies of me doing fun things and post on social media. “Look! It's me having a great time without you! Don't you miss the FUN me?” That will win them back! Wait! I'll hint that there is someone else. I'll make up a Facebook person and have that person make flirty comments on my page! No, hold on. I may be losing my mind because….texting is better. I'll “accidentally” text my ex and make it seem like I was texting a new love interest. . . . then I'll apologize. . . yeah, that's it. Wait. . . no. . . yes. . . ! You strive to think of something—crazy, sane and in-between—that will cause a massive reboot of your ex's mind and put the relationship back together.

Before you do anything at all, please take a step back. Breathe and take a seat. You don't want to have to babysit someone's brain. If they can't figure it out on their own, coming up with the most clever phrases and persuasive arguments isn't going to help. You might pin them down for a while, but who wants to chance that they are going to drift back to a breakup mindset? When you're wrapped up in espionage mode or creative ways to convince your ex of something they don't really want to be convinced of, you forget that “winning” the battle for the ex’s common sense is a temporary state. You shouldn't have to babysit the neurons inside someone's head lest they get caught up in wacky world of breaking up with you. No. Let them go and let all the grandstanding scenarios disappear from your life. You don't need someone who isn’t smart enough to see how valuable you are. Let it go.

Yes, that’s right. It’s time to let it go completely and do something new. It’s time to think about it differently. It’s time to renew, reverse and reject the rejecter.

It's hard to let it go. Hard but do-able. It’s hard to do nothing, but that is the best thing to be doing. Save your dignity and your sanity and do nothing. First, it’s important to believe the breakup has happened. It’s happened. You’ve been rejected. Accept it for what it is. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something, because that is exactly what you’re doing.

Many times we try to change the situation to stave off the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal and rejection. When we let go the idea of changing things, the feelings start to surface.

In addition to the normal feelings of grief, rejection brings with it negative self-talk and lowered self-esteem and self-respect. You might feel like a loser and start to drift back to the idea of doing something. This time, instead of trying to do something to them, you’ll do something to you. Your mind races with ideas:

I'll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won't complain so much. I won't rock the boat. I'll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn't stand. I'll go back to school. I'll stop going to school. I'll wear different clothes. I'll buy a new car. I'll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I'll work in a different industry. I'll muzzle my kids. I'll clean more. I'll clean less. I'll cook gourmet meals. I'll listen when spoken to. I'll go to bed earlier. I'll go to bed later. I'll go to church. I'll stop going to church. I'll pray. I'll bargain with God. Dear Higher Power: If you put my relationship back together, I'll help the poor. I'll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I'll give my next paycheck to the church. I'll join the Peace Corps. I'll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I'll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I'll do it all. I'll do nothing. I'll be more. I'll be less. I'll be everything and anything other than what I'm being right now. I'll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it. I'll work with sick children, I'll go to church, I'll help the homeless...I'll....

STOP!!!!

Stop right there. Purge yourself of all thoughts like this. Stop making promises to a Supreme Being to become a saint if only you win your love back. It’s time to go back to acceptance and doing nothing. Right now, it’s time to reject the rejecter.

Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing a Higher Power. Forget about changing your whole life just so someone who doesn't appreciate you and your worth will love you. Forget it!

The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment that makes sense: reject the rejecter.

It is time to reject the rejecter and the notion that you are expendable. Their rejection has led you to believe you’re not worthwhile. That is not true and whatever your ex believes or fails to see is not your problem.

You want someone who believes you are the be-all, end-all, not someone who finds you optional. You don’t want someone who doesn’t appreciate how great you are. You want someone with vision who will appreciate all that you are and all that you can be. You want someone who will love you and think you are the best thing ever. You don’t want to waste time with anyone who doesn’t see how great you are or has to be convinced of it.

Perhaps your ex does know how awesome you are but is not in a place to be in the relationship. It’s not about you, but about the inability to handle stressors. That isn’t a reason to give them a break. This is someone who hurt you for whatever reason and can’t deal with life and their life partner at the same time.

A wonderful, fully functioning partner can love you no matter what happens. That is the person you want to be with. Let your ex be. It’s not the right time for the two of you, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's hard and it hurts, but gently let it go.

Life can be hard. Life can be tough. But love softens it. Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it. A real love is with someone who values you and the way you soften their life's load and help them on the sometimes rocky road. A real love is with someone who lightens your load when you need it and who doesn’t stray from that path. If King or Queen Baby wants to sit on the throne, let them! You have better things to do.

Until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and yourself. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.

Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because you find them unattractive or irritating.

It’s time to work on you and to look at how you arrived at this point. It’s time to take away the “wonderful” memories of your ex from long ago and replace them with what is happening now, which is rejection. It’s time to put the focus on you and learn from past mistakes, including this one. It’s hard to think of this relationship as a mistake, but you will.

Think about the answers to these questions. What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren't in a relationship) that could improve? What patterns do you have in relationships? Has this happened before? When has it happened? How has it happened?

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn't love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won't or can't love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn't attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It's a rejection that stings. It’s time to let go of damaging self-assessment and get on with positive self-assessment. This exercise is not to beat you up but to help you see where your relationships are going wrong and to do something about the one thing you can do something about: you.

It’s time to refocus your attention on what it means to be loved. It’s time to reject the rejecter and understand what true love, real love, lasting love looks like. Get ready to look at your issues and figure out how you arrived in this mess in the first place. Look for unresolved issues with early caregivers and unresolved relationships. As you do that, create a relationship with yourself and then a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who will come into your life once you learn to value you. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter.

We all want someone to share life's sorrows and joys day in and day out. If this person can't do it, we need someone who will. Perhaps your ex has a fear of commitment or this simply isn’t the right one. Perhaps there is something more troubling such as narcissism or a personality disorder. It helps to see what may be keeping them stuck and to accept that it’s not changing any time soon. Too often people hold out hope that the person will change, see the error of their ways, go to counseling and come back to the relationship. That’s a fantasy that usually doesn’t happen. It’s time to let that one go.

Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. That person is out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value and will always love you unconditionally. A person who walks out or puts you on hold or wants you in “just friends” status is not that person. Anyone who has rejected you in any way, for any reason, is not for you.

The person who is perfect for you wants you. The perfect person for you loves and appreciates you and the value you bring to a relationship. That is not a little thing. It’s a big thing and it’s a “must have.” If someone doesn’t love you, doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate your value, that is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter..

Stop re-injuring yourself with questions about what is wrong with you that they don’t want you. It’s time to work on you, but not for them, for you and the possibility of real love down the line. Stop focusing on what was and think about what is and what will be. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you. . . . and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you must take time out to explore your issues, be good to you, know your value, understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.

Be good to you.

Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.

Celebrate the you that is you.

And know that the right person for you is out there.

Reject the Rejecter and embrace all that is you. . . the good is waiting for you. Believe it.

2 comments:

  1. I started following you several weeks ago, and have taken this trip of heartbreak along with you. It took me years to really understand the word "heartache". I finally had an experience similar to yours, and my heart actually hurt. Please get better soon, and may your way back be short and without too my potholes. I found this on Pinterest and immediately thought of you. "I don't like the memories, because the tears come easily, and once again I break my promise to myself for this day. It's a constant battle. A war between remembering.......and forgetting."

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    1. I don't know how you are, but I've been struggling this morning and your comment really touched me. Thank you <3

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