Saturday, December 22, 2012

Every goodbye a lesson

“After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning, and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts, and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. And after a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. And you learn, and you learn. With every goodbye you learn.”
                                                    — Veronica Shoffstall

Three letters for the end of the world

Shockingly, the world didn't end today. As I got to thinking though, I realized I had a few letters I needed to write but never send. If it really was the end of the world, this is some of what I'd say.

Person #1: Even after all this time I still miss you.

I'm not even sure why. Sometimes I think about all the awful things we said to each other and I can't help but hate you a tiny bit. And smile. You always managed to put the same stupid grin on my face and that hasn't seemed to change with time. There's just something about you. You crawled under my skin and no matter how hard I try to shake you, there you are. You once said no one was special because we're all special, but I don't believe that. I can't. Because for whatever reason, you're special to me.

As the days have turned into months your pull on me has gotten a lot weaker, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't there at all. I loved you. I still do. And even though you never cared enough about me for it to truly matter, I don't do things in half measures. So there you are. This tiny little part of my heart that won't stop beating. You said long ago you learned long ago not to trust your gut. You'd been proven wrong too many times so you had to learn to be cautious. That became the lesson you taught me.

Person #2: I don't love you but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that you don't love me. I know this makes me a bad person, but I'm amazing and you're an idiot for not realizing it. Sometimes I wish I could feel more for you. Even though I know it'd end disastrously, I can't help but feel a little sad over how indifferent we both are. We've become comfortable with one another and that's always the hardest part. Yet we lack that...something. You once said you weren't sure if you'd ever been in love before. I think that's the difference between you and I. I need someone who knows falling in love is easy but staying in love is hard. That love is like a bolt of lightening that takes no prisoners. I know we care in our own ways, but it's not the same.

And that's kind of sad.

Person #3: The first time I saw you you were looking at me. I could feel the weight of your gaze like a lead weight around my heart. I found myself trying to be funny and witty whenever you were around. I thought I could win you over with my cleverness and only now do I see how very hard I was trying. I knew we didn't have a lot of time, but somehow I thought it would be enough. I tend to do that though. Always putting too much faith in tomorrow.

You came into my life like high tide. I relished in the rush of you even as I drowned in my own expectations. As the water slowly pulled back from the shore though, I was left bereft. I didn't know what to do with myself and the sudden coldness I felt in my bones. I think of you too often. I know this. I think it's because part of me keeps hoping you'll come back into my life. It's not impossible right? High tide and low tide. But I'm tired of being haunted by the hope of something that will never come. I can feel myself being broken down into tiny little flecks of sand and I can't bear it. So know that when I think of you, I think of how to rid myself of you. I'm not even sure you're real. I think you might just be an idea. A reflection of the things I'd like to some day find glittering on the surface.

Please come back.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The best thing you'll read today

I Have A Lot Of Feelings:
I have a lot of feelings. Like, mountains of feelings. And regardless of what people might say, they are not flimsy or aimless — I feel on purpose and with purpose and I don’t take kindly to people who say I’m emotional because I’m a writer or an artist or an attention-seeker or because I was never able to fully shake the teenage-screamo-music-angst from my skin. I feel in big, sleep-consuming ways; this isn’t something I can shake and I don’t think it’s something that I need to or have to or should shake. It’s who I am and I’m proud of the fact that I feel so much.

Because I want to be moved: fully, completely. I want to wake up in the morning knowing that I’m going to feel something, that I’m going to sink my teeth deeply into the belly of this life, that I am going to express myself with honesty and conviction. And sometimes this means that I spend an hour or two curled up in my bed crying over youtube clips of spoken word poetry. Sometimes it means that I’ll grab a friend and run toward the nearest swingset in the rain and other times it means that I will write someone I miss a letter that I will never send.

When a feeling comes on, I welcome it with open arms. I make room for every shade of that feeling, every hue. Sadness isn’t just sadness but grieving, longing. Happiness isn’t just happiness but jubilation, rejoicing, fulfillment. I make a home for these feelings, allowing them space in my heart and my mind. Not forever, but enough to let them coarse through my veins until I feel cleansed. And sometimes they stay for far too long and sometimes they leave too soon, but I’ve learned to be flexible, to allow for their spontaneity.

Feelings can crush us in two ways: they can terrify us into suppressing them or they can intoxicate us and leave us ravaged when they leave. It’s important to know how to feel feelings and not misuse them or warp them into something that they aren’t. And I’m not saying that the only way to process feelings is by screaming them to the world through impassioned op-eds or ultra-violet love letters or breaking down into tears on the subway, but what I am saying is to allow yourself to feel what you feel when you feel it and no matter how maddening or marvelous, to know that all feelings pass: sometimes quickly, sometimes achingly.
As someone who feels things either very deeply or not at all, this post really spoke to me. I like that I am usually friendly and smiling and upbeat. I like that I am moved to tears by pretty much everything. I'm lucky enough to be deeply in tune with the people around me and though it often leads me to feel more than I should, I wouldn't have it any other way. I like feeling alive. Even when it hurts.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I reach out trying to love

I can't stop listening to this song. It's a good reminder that even though things don't aways work out the way I'd like, just being able to feel excited about something is a gift.

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace everything that I've had till my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that's been on the run
Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Yeah, my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again
Yeah with you
I can feel again


Woo-hoo (x4)

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
And I've never went back trying to replace everything that I broke till my feet went numb
Praying like a fool that just shot a gun
Heart still beating but it's not working
It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb

But with you
I feel again
And with you
I can feel again

But with you
(I'm feeling better since you know me)
I feel again
(I was a lonely soul but that's the old me)
Yeah with you
(I'm feeling better since you know me)
I can feel again
(I was a lonely soul)


Woo-hooo (x4)

(I'm feeling better since you know me)
(I was a lonely soul, but that's the old me)
(I'm feeling better since you know me)
(I was a lonely soul, but that's the old me)
(I'm feeling better since you know me)
(I was a lonely soul, but that's the old me)

I'm feeling better since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that's the old me
A little wiser now but you show me
Yeah, I feel again
Feel again...

New York in Pictures

I've always wanted to see the east coast and I was lucky enough to find a great deal on tickets to New York. The trip was everything I hoped it would be and more. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time walking the streets hopelessly lost, but I'll find a way to go back real soon.

new york1
new york2
new york

The funny thing is I've always thought of myself as a west coast girl. I'm a California girl through and through and I always thought I should stay near my family. But when I set foot in that city of concrete, I home. Maybe it was the high from the vacation, but I think it was more than that. When I used to play house with my friends I would pretend to be a bartender living in a loft above the bar while working my way through college. I like the bustle and the noise of the city. the knowledge that millions of people are all around you and you're just a tiny little person in the big wide world. I loved the subways. The little neighborhood shops. The history.

I have to go back. Maybe for good.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

In which our heroine falls in love too easily

Normally I go through my days with relative ease. I try to get my never ending to-do list as close to completion as I can while relishing the time I get to myself. Things aren't always perfect and I often allow myself to get far too stressed, but for the most part my life has fallen into a happy rhythm.

But then something happens.

You meet a stranger that throws everything off beat. Suddenly your happy little life doesn't seem to fit so well. You find yourself questioning things you were always so sure of. Just days before you would have sworn you knew where you stood and now you find yourself questioning what it is you really want. Things that were completely ridiculous to you, like settling down, seem not so bad. You tell yourself you're just being silly. That this stranger isn't any different from all the ones before. And yet, you know in your heart it isn't true. You can tell by the way every text feels like a gift and the way every word is over analyzed. You start telling your friends all about this unexpected whirlwind that came into your life, even though you know it is far too early to be so excited. You know these things are delicate, that plans easily fall apart and promises made are far too often promises broken.

You do it anyways.

And your friends can't help but get excited with you. They know even better than you how premature your excitement is, but they believe in magic just as much as you do and they want you to be happy. Yet reality has a horrible habit of sneaking in when you least expect it. Even as you dream up extravagant scenarios in your head, your gut tells you something isn't right. As you excuse away their possible waning interest, your heart knows otherwise. "They would make the time if they really wanted to" your heart whispers. "It's time to wake up" your mind says. And the truth slowly seeps in. You realize they are like so many that came before and will unfortunately come again. You really did get carried away and what you thought was something special was really just an idea of something that doesn't really exists. At least not yet. Sometimes a sigh is just a sigh and people are often less than you'd like to believe.
At first you feel slightly cheated. Out of what you aren't sure, but cheated none the less. Anger and resentment make brief appearances, but you eventually settle into a vague sort of sadness. The creeping fear that maybe you aren't gonna find what you're looking for. Maybe magic doesn't exist. You allow yourself to wallow in self pity and start to wonder if it would have made a difference if you were prettier. Or more successful. Or skinnier. But you aren't the kind of person to feel too sorry for yourself and you find new ways to take your mind off things. Movies don't work as well as you'd like, but running is always good. And slowly you realize you aren't doing things to take your mind off things. You're doing them because you enjoy them. That bounce finds it way back into your step and that rhythm you were so quick to throw away becomes the comforting song of your life. Yeah your ego is still a little battered and bruised, but you once again become more and more thankful of all the wonderful things about your life.

Time is too precious it to waste on anyone who doesn't think you're amazing.

So you go along your merry way accepting that love will find you when it's time. If magic was so easy to find it wouldn't be so fantastical would it? You decide you're gonna stop getting so excited from now on. At least not so quickly. You're tired of getting hurt and a little caution could be a good thing for you.

And then you meet another stranger...

Don't ever leave me again internet

I thought the worse part of moving would be all the manual labor and the sea of disorganization that has become my life. Nope. The worse has been going almost two weeks without internet. Luckily for me though, as of today I am plugged in once again. High fives for everyone!

I love you internet. Let's never part from this day on.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Tattoos and Talks of Fate

“It was long since I had longed for anything and the effect on me was horrible.” -Samuel Beckett
Sometimes I get in a weird head space where all I can think about is all the things I don't know and all ways I feel stuck. Overall I really enjoy my life and I've worked hard to ensure it's full of as much laughter and love as possible. But for as much as I adore my friends and my silly entry level job, some days I can't help but feel like something is missing. The feeling of restlessness creeps up on me and I start craving change. (I'm pretty positive I've mentioned this before.) What was a light drizzle yesterday started to turn into a heavy torrent today, so I did the only thing I could do: I got a tattoo.

It's pretty much as small of a tattoo as a person can get, but it represents the way I feel about a lot of things in life. The red string of fate is "an invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” The Chinese believe it is wrapped around the ankle, while the Japanese say it's the pinky. Either way, I've been enamored with the idea since I first read about it. I love the idea that our hearts are just coiled up bits of red thread that are connected to all the people we love and ever will love. There's something precious about the legend that appeals to my inner romantic.

Speaking of romance, the tattoo is also a reminder that love will happen when it's supposed to. Sometimes I can come off as cynical, but the truth is I believe in taking chances. Maybe I've seen too many romantic comedies, but I'm looking for something exceptional. I want to meet a person that inspires me to take a big leap. Someone who makes me want to change my whole life. For some reason I find it slightly embarrassing to admit that, but I will not settle for mediocrity in love. So when I meet someone I just click with, I can get almost obsessive about them. I get overly excited and try to rush things along. Maybe I do this as a form of self-sabotage because I don't think I'll ever truly find such a person. Sometimes I worry there's just not enough love in the world to keep me satisfied. Either way this tattoo is a reminder to step back. To let my emotions flow over me without drowning in them. Things will work out the way they need to. Just as they usually do.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

GNOT: Happiness is never grand

“Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand.”

                                                                            — Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Things that make me sad

1. Living alone

I've never lived on my own. Ever. I know some people like the space and the freedom, but I'm not one of those people. I like full houses. Homes full of people and love and the smell of delicious dinners. At the end of this month I have to move into my own place and it breaks my heart a little bit. I know there will be a lot of positives once I adjust, but I don't like it one bit. Like most people I've always secretly hoped my life would be like the show Friends and I'm having a hard time accepting it isn't.

2. An abandoned book

I haven't had the time to read lately and it hurts my soul.

3. Growing apart

A year ago my life was completely different. I had close friendships with people that I thought would last a long time. Even though I've made friends with some amazing people over the last six months, I still find myself mourning the friendships I thought I'd have. Some days I think I should try to mend fences. Other days I question how I could care so much about things people seem to care so little about.

4. Cooking for one

Is there anything more depressing? Feeding people is in my blood. I miss it.

5. Numbness

Some days I worry I'll never feel anything as strongly as I once did. And it's just so sad.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

New Music Thursday

I'm being a bad blog mistress again. Oh well. They say life is what happens when you're busy planning it and I don't want to be that person. So go outside. Or stay in and listen to some great music! :)

New Music Thursday is an attempt to keep my goal of listening to some new music alive and kicking. Not all of these bands/artists are new to me, but all of the songs are.

These are the songs I'm diggin this week:

Something Good Can Work by Two Door Cinema Club:

Crazy Vibes by Selah Sue:

Someone Else by Wild Child:

Miracle Drug by A.C. Newman:

Undone by Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles:

Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lapelles is where it's at people. I can't stop listening to them.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Miss someone until you don’t

I love everything about this. It's long but lovely.
“Remove yourself, physically. Change time zones and continents or lock yourself away in your bedroom or do anything that will limit your contact with the person you usually pass hours, days, weeks with. Do it because you have to, because today you need to see something new or today you need to see no one. Isolate yourself until you’re lonely and not just alone, until you can’t stand to stay away any longer, until you begin to wonder why you holed up in this jail cell in the first place. Everything, everywhere will feel like a jail cell. 
Or remove yourself, mentally. Challenge the distance between your two minds; pick an empty argument so that its frayed resolution can loom in the void you’ve created. Harp on the memory of particular days, days that seem ancient now, days you spent together like that Indian summer when you took an hours-long drive and the people and things inside of the car glowed like trophies trapped in a permanent golden hour. Remember the things you said to each other on that car ride, remember the night that followed it and miss that person. Where did that person go?

Take inventory of your life and note what’s gone missing. The easy company. The long talks. The unblinking, all-knowing eye contact. These are things you now know exist but had never taken special notice of before. Now they’re showing up to take you to task, to make you acknowledge how rare it is to find them in someone else. Here they are, these objects of joy, obvious as ever now that they’re out of reach, now that they’re being withheld.

Try to regain what you’ve lost but have trouble expressing yourself. Choose all the wrong words; speak your own limited language. You’ll mean to say, “I’m keeping busy,“ or “How was your day?” or “I’ve been reading this fantastic book you’d like; you should borrow it,” but all of the sentiments just spill out of your mouth as “I miss you.” Every gap in conversation caulked with “I miss you.” You’ll momentarily question where all of your other thoughts went, you had them five minutes ago but these three words are all you can manage to articulate.

Miss someone until they come back, or until you come back, until their absence in your life becomes something to be avoided at all costs. Miss them until you don’t have to anymore, until you’re reunited in your favorite booth in your favorite restaurant ordering your favorite meal, miss them until it feels like you never left. Or miss them until you can’t anymore, until the things you miss are identified and cataloged as things and not a person, until you figure out that easy company and long talks and unblinking, all-knowing eye contact will find you again the way they found you the first time. Miss someone until you don’t."
— Stephanie Georgopulos, How To Miss Someone

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The XX in SLC

It's been a while since I've posted so I'm doing a little bit of catchup. A few Tuesdays ago I had the privilege of seeing the XX in concert. I've been head over the heels for their music since I first heard Crystallized. Their music is the perfect combination of sexiness and moodiness that I just love.

I feel like it's hard to judge a show like this since the music is so much more laid back and mellow compared to others. There are a few things the XX did perfectly. One, the overall aesthetics of the show were spot on. The lights and graphics were used in a way that perfectly captured the mood of the music. It was dark and broody in a sensual way. The music also slowly built up over the course of the show in a way that was really cool. On the downside though, I felt the venue was too large for this type of show. There's a level of intimacy that characterizes the XX's music that was lost in the venue. The band also decided to perform a much slower version of Crystaized at the beginning of the show that was kind of disappointing.

Overall I really enjoyed the show though. It was my first time seeing a show at the Complex and I thought the sound was really nice. I do prefer In The Venue for the simple fact there's a balcony upstairs. I also really enjoyed John Talabot. Once I realized he wasn't a sound guy, I was quite mesmerized by his music. All in all it was a good night.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I'm not too close. I just don't love you.

There are some people who are simply no good for you. It doesn't matter how nice they are or how much you wish them the best in life. It doesn't even matter how much you love them. Some people are just like poison to your heart. And yet even though you know it's best to say goodbye, you still hesitate or feel guilty about doing what's right.

And then there are those who inspire nothing but relief. This one is for you:

Friday, October 19, 2012

Around Town: The Pie Hole

pie hole

Picture: Source

When people ask for restaurant recommendation at the hotel, I usually respond with the same few places every time. Most people are looking for something delicious, moderately priced, and with a good atmosphere. Salt Lake City is bursting with restaurants like this so it's pretty easy to come up with suggestions. Once I get to know a guest though, the Pie Hole will inevitably get brought up.

Here's the thing about the Pie Hole, it's a little bit of a dive. And I love it.

The Pie Hole is a local pizza place that specializes in thin crust New York Style pizza by the slice. They have daily specials that include things like vegan slices and a potato/bacon pizza. Out of the endless varieties they offer (they even made a mac and cheese pizza once), my favorite is the ninja. It's jalapenos, pineapple, and peperoni on red sauce and it's ridiculously delicious. Add a side of ranch and a $1 pbr and you're looking at a tasty late night treat for less than five bucks.

The interior of the restaurant itself is a mishmash of art and color. The tables are often dirty and the music tends to be a little too loud. All of this gives the Pie Hole a cool laid back vibe that I've come to appreciate. Open till 3 am on Fridays and Saturdays, the Pie Hole is the perfect place to get a quick slice before or after the bar. If you go after last call though, be prepared to wait in a line that can often find itself reaching down the street. There's always a colorful cast of characters to talk with while waiting in line, but I tend to go earlier in the night so I can avoid the rush.

If you asked any of my friends where I go the most, they would unanimously, and without any hesitation, say "The Pie Hole." You can catch me there almost every Friday and Saturday after I get off work and there's good reason for it. Whether you come for the pizza and stay for the cheap beer or are simply looking for something filling at 2 am, you can't wrong with the Pie Hole.

Location: 344 S. State, Salt Lake City, Utah 84111

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Cafe Rio's Cilantro-Lime Ranch Dressing

I lived in Utah for about two years before I finally got around to trying Cafe Rio. When I admitted to one of my friends I had never tried it, he declared it a travesty and treated me to lunch. Let me tell you, Cafe Rio is definitely worth the hype.

One of the most popular things at Cafe Rio is actually their Cilantro-Lime Ranch Dressing. Even people like me who don't order their salads (chicken burrito for life!), often order their dressing on the side. Seriously, this stuff is magical. While this dressing isn't completely spot on, it is delicious and may tempt you to eat all the greens in your house.


The only change I made is I substituted Greek yogurt for the mayonnaise.

Would I make this again? Only as long as I continue to eat things.

Cafe Rio's Cilantro-Lime Ranch Dressing


1 c mayonnaise
1/2 c milk or buttermilk
1 lime, juiced (about 2 Tbsp)
1 packet of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing mix (ignore package directions)
2 cloves of minced garlic
1/2 c roughly chopped cilantro
1/4 c green salsa (comes in a small can in the Mexican food isle, look for La Costena or Herdez brands, the main ingredient is tomatillo)
Hot sauce (like Tabasco), to taste


1. Combine mayo, milk, lime juice. and ranch packet powder in a blender. Add garlic, cilantro, and green salsa and blend until thoroughly mixed. Add a little hot sauce until desired heat is reached.

2. Refrigerate several hours before serving to allow dressing to thicken and flavors to blend.


Source: Our Best Bites

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Trying to find the in-between

I love Tuesdays. It's the only day when I don't have class or work and I've come to really appreciate the time to myself. I had to work the last two Tuesdays so I could take the weekend off and life felt more stressful than I'd like. Today is a particularly lovely day and it's nice to be home with no responsibilities for a change.

This song sums up my mood quite nicely:

The original is great too, but this version is just so much more. It makes me think of fragile and delicate things. Like the end of summer. Or when you've said goodbye but you're still learning how to let go.

Man I really love Tuesdays.

Monday, October 1, 2012

October will always be my number one

“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
                                              ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

It's amazing how much life can change in a year. In a month. In a day. All it takes is one painful conversation to change everything.

It was last October that Ryan broke up with me and completely changed the direction of my life. Its been a year of heartbreak and laughter. I've lost quite a few friends but I've also gained some new ones. I've experienced more joy and sorrow in the last year than I had in a really long time. I feel as though I've finally woken up from a deep sleep and while the lows are lower, the highs are also higher.

Even after everything, October is still my favorite.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Penguins and sloths oh my!

The San Diego zoo came to SLC last week and they stayed at our hotel. On Thursday they brought a couple penguins and a sloth out for us to see. In other words, my job is cooler than yours.

      IMG_9010       IMG_9011

I was surprised to find myself getting realy nervous whenever the penguin would get near me. They are a lot more substantial than other birds and I found myself holding as still as possible. The sloth on the other hand was adorable. It was so odd looking I couldn't get over it. Getting to touch one was definitely one of the highlights of my year.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Mini Las Vegas Recap

I went to Las Vegas this weekend for a much needed trip away with my sister and Tiffany. Our weekend consisted of drinking and eating and seeing lots of shows. It was exactly what a Vegas trip should be.


Friday consisted mainly of driving and catching up with my sister. Saturday was chocked full of shenanigans though. I saw Wicked, the iHeartRadio concert, and Thunder From Down Under all in the same day. Seriously, I was exhausted just from sitting and watching.

At the concert, we were given wristbands that lit up in sync with the music and words can't even begin to explain how beautiful it was to be in that stadium while everyone was a sea of fireflies. It must be what living in the milky way would look like. I had to keep telling myself to soak it all in and be aware of how precious those moments were.

I had to leave early so I only saw about half of the show, but Pink was my favorite by far:

This video doesn't do any justice to Pink's performance. She was phenomenal and I fell in love with her all over again. Her acrobatics were unbelievably impressive in person. Just wow.

Besides that, we partied with the coolest bunch of guys I've met in a long time (they moved their sleeping friend out into the hallway without waking him up like a bunch of champs) and ate at one of funkiest sandwich shops ever. It was this nifty little Vietnamese deli with "European style" sandwiches called Lee's Sandwiches. They had a bunch of weird food/candy and the tastiest croissants Ive ever had in my life.

All in all it was a much needed trip and we behaved ourselves for the most part. Sometimes we can get a little crazy, but this trip was pretty PG-13 for us. I do think we were slightly delusional on the ride home though. I'd feel bad for our twitter follows but we were laughing so hard I don't really care.