Thursday, January 28, 2016

Fall back in love eventually

One of my all time favorites. It sounds like the end of something and the beginning of something at the same time.

We're only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can't help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Tuesday, January 26, 2016


Is there anything cuter than tiny dinosaurs and skeletons? If there is, I'm just not sure.

Tinysaurs is an etsy shop that creates small (as in two inch) models you get to assemble yourself. They also sell cute little glass domes. The small models would make a great gift or if you're like me, a good desk adornment.

These things are so cute I'm dying. I want them all. I'm really torn on the plesiosaur or the Medusa. Maybe I'll get one for me and one for Holden.

GNOT: Live Largely

“I have always lived violently, drunk hugely, eaten too much or not at all, slept around the clock or missed two nights sleep, worked too long and too hard in glory, or slobbed for a time in utter laziness. I’ve lifted, pulled, chopped, climbed, made love with joy and taken my hangovers as a consequence, not as a punishment.”
                                                                                   — John Steinbeck

Monday, January 25, 2016

I'm done

"Someone" wrote me a really nasty comment today. I'm conflicted about whether or not I should address it. I have been blogging for a very long time at this point and I have experienced every type of comment a person can experience (I used to blog about politics). People often think they know you because they see an intimate side of you through this sort of platform, but they forget that a lot is hidden as well. I get to craft the image I share with you. This has never been denied, but it is often forgotten.

I don't pretend that what I am sharing with you is the "truth." It's not. I don't have access to any objective truth that is THE REAL AND ONE TRUTH any more than anyone else. I only know what I experience. What I remember. What I feel. My version of reality is colored by my assumptions, hopes, fears, and everything else. Just like you. Just like all of us.

That's why books like A Game of Thrones are so interesting. We get to see how everyone is a little right and a little wrong about each situation. "Good" and "bad" are more complicated than we like to think. Sometimes we try our hardest to do the right thing and we still hurt people or let them down. It's just the nature of living.

Anyways, I wrote this long post about it because it was obviously from someone involved somehow in the situation, but as I'm reading those words I just feel...tired.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Yes, deep down I do think he manipulated me. I think he wasn't ready to let go so he said what he needed to say to keep me around. But maybe he was scared. Maybe he was unsure. Maybe he really really really wanted it to work. Part of me doesn't want to accept that. I think if he wanted it to work it would have. He let fear grip his heart and doubt poison his thoughts. But you know what, I let insecurity poison mine.

He's not a monster.

I'm not a saint.

He is just a man who doesn't love me. I am not the first woman to fall in love with the wrong person. We're not the first people to fall in love at the wrong time. It just is. Yes it hurts. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt, but that doesn't mean I should choose pettiness and drag him through the mud to make myself feel better.

Because I don't feel better.

I still love someone who loves someone else. None of my words or righteous indignation have changed that. I'm still alone, sitting in my room with a hole in my heart crying into my keyboard. I think sometimes if I ruin every good memory that I will feel okay. That it will be easier to move on. But there are memories I don't want to ruin.

The memory of him crying and telling me he never felt like someone cared enough about him to fight for him is precious to me. No matter how it's been twisted and discarded for him, for me it is the epitome of the quality of my love. That I could make him feel safe and wanted and loved. That he knew, if only for a single moment, how special and important he was to me. I don't want to give that up.

I remember the time I made him soup. It was such a small thing but I remember him wanting to take a picture because he was full of pride and love. He wanted people to know that there was this woman, this strange and exciting woman, who cared for him and loved him too.

I remember our children playing together and Holden trying to read to Freya. Jasper asking is he was friends with them now or if the robot I bought him for Christmas was a "girl robot." (It was actually.)

I remember the time we made those planetariums. I got way too inebriated and he had to help me because I couldn't even line the stickers up. All I could do was giggle and watch tv as he so perfectly folded every part. We were like kids and I'm not sure I can ever use it again without thinking of him. Or the last time we touched.

There are so many memories.

And they're beautiful. If that's all I have left then I don't want to taint them. I don't want to use what's left of our affections to just keep hurting each other over and over again. It just makes what I lost that much worse.

I don't want to dig a hole so deep that we can never climb out of it. That all we have left are the scars we've inflicted on one another.

Maybe it's already too late for that. Maybe I will never forgive him and he will never forgive me. It's my nature to hope though. Or as he would say, I'm cautiously optimistic in life. I don't want my love to be something ugly and cruel, even if it sometimes feels deserved. That is when I want to be the most forgiving. What is it I am even hoping for? For him to feel the way I do? I would never want to do that to someone. Ever.

So I'm done.

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. I'm sorry we couldn't find a way to make it work. I'm sorry for the cruel words. I'm sorry you couldn't trust in me or in us. I'm sorry for it all. I hope you find a little peace today.

We could all use a little peace.

Book Review: Red Rising

Title: Red Rising
Author: Pierce Brown
Genre: Dystopia, Sci Fi, YA

Publisher: Del Rey (Random House)
Publishing Date: January 28th 2014
Hardcover: 382 pages

Stand Alone or series: Book one of the Red Rising Trilogy

Where did I get this book: Won in a Goodreads giveaway.

I live for the dream that my children will be born free," she says. "That they will be what they like. That they will own the land their father gave them."

"I live for you," I say sadly.

Eo kisses my cheek. "Then you must live for more."

Darrow is a Red, a member of the lowest caste in the color-coded society of the future. Like his fellow Reds, he works all day, believing that he and his people are making the surface of Mars livable for future generations.

Yet he spends his life willingly, knowing that his blood and sweat will one day result in a better world for his children.

But Darrow and his kind have been betrayed. Soon he discovers that humanity already reached the surface generations ago. Vast cities and sprawling parks spread across the planet. Darrow—and Reds like him—are nothing more than slaves to a decadent ruling class.

Inspired by a longing for justice, and driven by the memory of lost love, Darrow sacrifices everything to infiltrate the legendary Institute, a proving ground for the dominant Gold caste, where the next generation of humanity's overlords struggle for power. He will be forced to compete for his life and the very future of civilization against the best and most brutal of Society's ruling class. There, he will stop at nothing to bring down his enemies... even if it means he has to become one of them to do so.

As the summary explain, this is a story about a man who was born to be a slave. Darrow was born to use his life as the water that will nourish the new world. Yes life is tough, but sacrifice is always needed for survival. Darrow understand this. He believes in this. And he is damn good at sacrificing.

Then one fateful day, Darrow has to give up more than he bargained for.

This story is about what happens when a man gives everything for nothing. It is the classic story of how a person can only be pushed so far before they push back. Now I know I am supposed to give a lot of details, but discovering how this world works is part of the fun. Each color caste has it's own interesting aspects and I would love to read the book from another color's point of view.

I keep seeing this book compared to the Hunger Games, but I am not entirely sure why. While I can see some similar parallels to specific aspects to the story, nothing about this book made me think about the Hunger Games. This book is much darker. It kind of reminds me of Something from the Nightside crossed with Jupiter Ascending or the Maze Runner. Brown does a good job of creating a brutal and yet mesmerizing world. I also appreciate that Brown didn't end the book on a massive cliffhanger. You get a lot of story out of this book and I found myself wanting to take my time since I was enjoying it so much.

There are some parts of this book that are incredibly disturbing and anyone with any sort of triggers should know there is lots of violence and sexual assault. So take care of yourself if you're worried about that.

Notable Quotes/ Parts:

You can read an except here.


Probably one of the best YA dystopia books I've ever read. And that's saying something. I already have the second one waiting for me.

Rating: 9. Damn near perfection

Judge me as you will

I will only say this once:

This blog is a place for me to express myself. I am not objective. I am not the keeper of truth. It is not for you.

No one has to read or agree with anything I've said.

It is not for you.

It is for me.


It's all temporary

Today is one of the hardest days because it's the first day without hope. I know things are truly over. I know my love is wasted. I know we'll never get coffee and reconnect and slowly find one another again. It's over. Done.

And it's not easy.

I can't focus on work so I've been browsing Reddit for advice on how to let go. I keep dreaming about the past and it's really getting to me. (If anyone knows of a way to stop dreaming, even for a little while, I would appreciate it.) I thought this comment was really poignant though:
I can tell you the cliche bs "it gets better" line, but I'm a sap for cliches. I was in your shoes once, Im a 20 year old male, 300lbs, Viking build, and by that I mean the scruffiest beard, and a bigger beer belly. But, I tell you this so that way you have hope. Hope that love finds us in all places, and speaking of that cliche. It does get better, last year I thought I lost the love of my life. I had known her for half my life, now I'm dating 10 months later and feel just as grand as the day I was born. Sometimes you can't explain how people are, I personally was dumped for a guy on the side, you can't predict everything, even for people you've know for half your life. However, I CAN tell you how your next 4 months will go.

Days will come where you can't get out of bed, tears down your face, snot oozing from your nose, choking on the memories that remind you of her, turn to family on those days. Days will come where angry thoughts are all you have of her, turn to the gym, foster that anger into something constructive. The final days will be the hardest, you want to call her, ask how she is, see if you can meet her, then just think of your pride, you deserve better then someone dropping everything on you, better then someone who never tells you how they feel until it's already to late. You will rise above this better, I promise you that, I know I did. From now on though cut all contact, go out with friends and family, people you ACTUALLY WANT surrounding you if you cry, and if you drink, drink only in MODICUM! This is how life changing mistakes happen, as well as drunk "please take me back" calls. (Personal experince with tequila on that one.)

Just remember and think of the day you finally can count yourself free from this pain. When you can prove you're better then her, or when you find someone better for YOU. Trust me it's a long road, but the journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.
I hold onto things for along time, so a big part of me is scared I'll never get over it. But the sad truth is there are just some things you never get over. You just get through them. The memories may never stop hurting, but you get used to the pain.

Really if I could just stop randomly crying at work I'll be happy.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

I just got lost

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I would cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get
What I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the firing stopped
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off

[Guitar solo]

Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off
Ohhh and I'm...
Just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Saturday, January 23, 2016

2016 Goals

For all of my posts about how I am better off without the man who crushed my heart into a million little pieces, I am still struggling through a lot of anger and sadness. In order to keep myself from drowning, I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of life and out of myself this year.

Here are my 2016 goals:

1. Get a tattoo

My favorite quote is from an interview with Ray Bradbury in October 1990. Bradbury said:

“If we listened to our intellect, we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: ‘It’s gonna go wrong.’ Or ‘She’s going to hurt me.’ Or ‘I had a couple of bad love affairs so therefore …’ 
“Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
Build your wings on the way down. That statement has always meant a lot to me and that's how I live my life. I have been thinking about getting it tattooed for a few years now, but I always put it off. In a weird way it's like I needed to wait until I went through this experience before it was right. I will have those words on me by the end of the year.

2. Boxing/kickboxing

I had always told people I wanted to try kickboxing and the time is now. I actually went to a boxing class last night and I plan on keeping it up. I felt better last night than I had in months. I've been unhappy for too long and it's time to shake my funk and move on with life. If it's as a hotter more kick ass version of myself, even better.

3. Take a class

I know vagueness is the death of goal making, but I am open to learning whatever tickles my fancy. I've always wanted to take a night photography class and an archery class. I'd like to learn how to make my own beer and take a beer tasting class. I want to learn how to needle point. There are so many things I want to do, but I just make excuses for my laziness. Well this year I will take at least one class.

4. Take a trip

I need to go somewhere. I have always talked about an Alaskan cruise. The time is now. If I get my bonus for this quarter, I am going somewhere. Anywhere.

5. Start Swimming Again

I love swimming and I need to start it up again. My goal is to replace my heartache with endorphins. It's honestly the only thing that consistently makes me feel better.

6. Start cooking again

I have to start blogging about something other than my heartache. And who doesn't love food?

7. Make more time for Holden

I have been in a funk for a couple months and I need to take the time to work on my relationship with my son. He has gotten into photography so I think I'm gonna start taking walks with him so we can find things to photograph. Or maybe I'll play Minecraft with him once a week. Something.

8. Make more time for my friends

I want to start a weekly dinner or something for the few people in my life. These people have become my family and they have talked me back from the ledge so many times this last month. I honestly don't know where I would be today without them. I love them and I need to go back to the people who genuinely and unselfishly care about me.

9. Forgive and let go

I need to truly forgive and let go. For no other reason than it's just too heavy a burden for me to carry.

10. Be open to love

Now I'm not saying I want to fall in love. Screw that. I can't just turn my affections on and off like a robot. But I want to go through the year with the knowledge that I will be open to life and love as opportunities arise. I do not want to poison the well out of fear or laziness.

It may not seem like much, but that's what I got. And it's more than I had yesterday.

Friday, January 22, 2016

On Being an "Intimidating" Woman

I have an interesting relationship with one of my former coworkers. He and I aren't exactly friends per say, but he holds this special place in my heart. In a weird way he sees me more clearly than anyone has ever seen me. He doesn't bullshit me and he doesn't allow me to make excuses or wallow in self pity.

I was telling him about my recent relationship woes and his ability to look at the situation in such simple terms was refreshing. At one point he said, "I wouldn't have expected you to fall into this. I could see if he was actually some big catch but I assure you he is not. Dime a dozen." Of course I was kind of offended, but in a way I also get what he's saying. As we talked about me being an intimidating woman, I started thinking about what that really meant. Everyone says "you're intimidating" like it's a bad thing, but it's only bad if you're unable to handle intimidation.

I found this article, 10 Reasons Why Being ‘Intimidating’ Is My Best Feature, and I cannot agree enough. I literally couldn't have explained it better. This is me.
It seems like the older you get, the more you’re reminded everyone is getting married and having babies except for you. You think to yourself, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I alone? Should I start adopting cats for my inevitable spinster future?” I’m here to tell you there’s nothing wrong with you, but there is something wrong with the demands society places on women. Women are told that in order to get the American dream of 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, we need to lessen ourselves; we need to shrink. We can’t be outspoken, rebellious or sexual. We cannot be strong-willed, independent and more successful because it may compromise men’s egos.

Well, I’m here to say I intimidate men, and I don’t care.

I redefined my outlook on relationships and my role in them after watching various dalliances end. I am a woman with an intimidation factor, and here are the ways it has affected my romantic relationships:

1. I wear the clothes I like.

I have a closet full of clothes that make feel good about myself, and I wear them for the sole reason that they reflect my confidence.

I won’t dress myself up like the kind of woman who goes to church because when I pray to the alter of self-expression, it’s made up of various styles. When I wake up each day, I wear clothes that represent how I feel.

2. I’m full of passion.

I do everything with ferocity.

Though I won’t make men feel comfortable, I will infinitely make them feel more alive.

The men who have loved me previously can say my passion made each day thrilling and unpredictable. On any given day, there was a chance they could come home to a spontaneous water gun fight in the living room, a grand romantic gesture or lovemaking that burned sheets.

If you’re looking for mediocre, you should run.

But if you’re seeking adventure, follow where I lead.

3. I’m not a damsel in distress, and I don’t need saving.

Men like becoming heroes, so they date women who look like they need protecting.

I’m not that kind of woman.

I needed a hero one day long ago, so I became my own. I learned nobody could protect me from my pain but myself, so I became my own savior. I won’t need you to pay my bills because I pay my own. I won’t ask for your approval because I do what I want.

I’m independent, and if you’re scared of that, you don’t belong with me.

4. I command attention without asking for it.

When you exude as much confidence as I do, people are naturally drawn to you. I know who I am, and I let my light shine. I dance like nobody’s watching, crack inappropriate jokes and drink beer.

Others are intrigued by my flat-out refusal to care what anyone thinks.

Basically, if you’re the kind of man who needs his ego stroked and battles with insecurity, you’ll hate dating me.

5. I’m an open book.

I’ll express myself, and I won’t hide who I am. Unless you accept me as I am, we won’t last.

People claim they don’t want to play games, but once they’re with others who are blunt and direct, they’re frightened quickly and speed away.

If you’re a man who wants me to hide any part of myself, we won’t work.

6. I’m a survivor.

I have a past, and it has defined me.

If you don’t want someone with scars and a history, then I won’t be the woman for you. My past is my greatest blessing because it has made me better in every way. The things I lost taught me how to appreciate everything in life, big or small. The people who have hurt me inspired me to find forgiveness in my heart.

Growing up without the things I needed made me work for everything in life.

My scars are a road map of my life, and I’m proud of each of them. As a wise man once said: I have learned far more from pain than I could have ever learned from pleasure.

7. I love too deeply.

I only believe in falling head over heels.

I won’t date a maybe, and I won’t a date potential. I’ll only commit myself to someone who is open to feeling a love so powerful, it’ll leave marks on his soul. I’ll move mountains for you; I’ll give myself over to you and fully expose myself. I’ll accept all of you, and I’ll try my best to see things from your point of view.

Most importantly, I’ll never stop fighting for you.

Anybody looking for simple or easy love will find my unending pool of dedication frightening, needy or desperate, when in fact, it is pure.

8. I don’t believe in selfishness, only sacrifice.

Time and time again, I’ve chosen to put my dreams on hold and adjust my plans for the people I love. I find fulfillment in building others up, and if you intend to keep me all to yourself, it wont work out. I’m made up of all of the people I’ve ever encountered, and if they need me — no matter the time, the place or the burden it creates for me — I’ll show up for them.

You can’t expect to own me because I belong to everyone I love.

9. I’ll teach you things.

If your ego is so large, you find the potential of learning something from a woman demeaning to your manhood, you will not want me for a partner.

I’ve lived far too much life in my short existence on this planet, and because of it, I will open your eyes to experiences and lessons you never knew were possible.

10. I might be intimidating, but I’m still human.

Just because I ooze confidence, am proud of my thick skin and have taken control of my own life, doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain. I’m still a person with feelings, and your rejection, hurtful words and false intentions will sting, even if I don’t let it show.

I’ve been burned far too many times than I can count because people claimed I was too much of something.

So, if you relate to this, then please, don’t round out your edges or try to be something you’re not. I know I’d rather have a life full of passion than a life full of complacency.

Be bold, be daring and be different. Find someone who wants to embrace your depths, instead of run away out of the fear.

Anyone I’ve loved can attest that a woman with fire is far more fulfilling than a woman who is trying to live up to the ideals society set for us decades ago. I’m a thrill seeker, an outspoken artist, family-oriented, loyal to a fault, ride-or-die, brash and unapologetically me.

Take me as I am, or watch me as I go.
I can't even count how many times I've been told I'm intimidating. I'm starting to realize that this is what attracts men to me, but also makes them worried I won't stick around. That I will be bored with them and leave them when I find something better.

What a strange thing to worry about.

It's funny cause I never worry about that and yet that's what happened to me. Well I wouldn't say he found something "better," but definitely safer. I guess he was looking for mediocre. Now where are the people seeking adventure? Old Alana is back.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

You only picked me up to bring me down

This is the ultimate break song.

You got high off my devotion
We caught as you crutch
Black some sick of potion
I was addicted to your touch
Carried your weight the misplaced way
Had the burden of hate
The decadence of decay

I still think of you
And all the shit you put me through
And I know you were wrong
I still think of you
And all the shit you put me through
And I know now, I know you were wrong

[Verse 2:]
You made pain your lover
Infidelity not discrete
I knew you found another
How could I compete
Abusive words cover me like dust
I waited to know for sure
You only give what was lost


[Verse 3:]
Dark clouds follow you around
Your own worst enemy
You only picked me up to bring me down

Down, down, down, down


Letting Go

I saw this article on Thought Catalog and it really spoke to me:
One of the hardest decisions I have ever made has been letting go of someone I truly cared about.

I let them go because I realized I wasn’t happy anymore. I was once again, falling trap to my biggest fear: settling. I was settling for that person because I focused on the potential, rather than the reality. I was focusing on what we could have been, rather than what we were. I ignored all the tears that I cried and focused on the good times that we had because I thought that we would eventually get it right. I ignored the lack of progress that we made every time we got into a fight. I ignored the lack of communication we had and always blamed it on bad timing, and busy schedules. I ignored all the secrets, lies, and the broken promises. At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing. Now I realize, I was only making excuses; I was lying to myself. I wanted it to work out, so I lied to myself and told myself I was happy. I was content with how things were, and I was content with how I was being treated.

But then one day, I woke up, and I realized that I was still with that person because I was scared. I was scared because everyone else in my past, it never worked out with, and suddenly I was so close to getting it right. I was scared to let go, because I did not think I would ever get something as great as what I had. But was it great? Because I wasn’t feeling so great about being with that person anymore. I had more doubts than reassurances. When I was with him I felt secure, but when I wasn’t, my thoughts were clouded with doubts. I didn’t know anymore if being with that person was what I wanted. Suddenly I realized there were more times that I didn’t miss him than times that I did. That was when I realized that I wasn’t happy anymore. I didn’t want to settle anymore. I wanted to confront my fear and overcome it.
My situation is a little different. I was left when I was still completely in love with the person, but I hadn't been really happy with him in a while if I'm being honest. I wish I could say I had been strong enough to leave, but I wasn't. I was most definitely left.

I really recognize myself in these words. I was too focused on the good times and not the now. Every time we would argue about our relationship, I would feel less confident and less secure. I was happy when I was with him, but when we were apart my life was filled with anxiety and restlessness. I should have recognized then that something was off. Even now, every time I see his name light up on my phone I'm filled with anxiety. I get this pit in my stomach and I am flooded with dread. This is not how a person you care about should make you feel. That's not a healthy relationship to have with someone.
“You can tell so much about a person by the way they leave you.”
                                                                                                             —Redvers Bailey
For a while I was so happy. I had never met someone who spoke to me the way he did. Who spoke to that weird squishy part inside of me that I had forgotten about. The problem is he went through some personal issues and it really changed things for us. He changed. In a very very short window of time he went from loving me to loving someone else and I've finally come to accept that I fell in love with him on his best day. I fell in love with the best version of him and he hasn't been that man for a few months now.
"How often, you wonder, has the direction of your life been shaped by such misunderstandings? How many opportunities have you been denied—or, for that matter, awarded—because someone failed to see you properly? How many friends have you lost, how many have you gained, because they glimpsed some element of your personality that shone through for only an instant, and in circumstances you could never reproduce? An illusion of water shimmering at the far bend of a highway."
—Kevin Brockmeier
I won't pretend it doesn't hurt to know he's already moved on. I won't pretend that I'm not taking kick boxing with the hope that I'll run into her. But I also recognize that a love that can change like that, isn't worth much at all. He keeps telling me that sometimes people just change. I'm sorry, but that's just bullshit. A person who can turn off their affections for someone like a light switch is not a person worth loving. So what did she really take from me? Nothing. A week ago he said he would be open to maintaining a sexual relationship with me. Twenty days ago he told me he loved me. A month ago he told his coworker I was "his girl." The day after that, he said he wasn't giving up on what we had for her. So even though I want to hate her, I mostly just feel sorry for her. They deserve one another.
  • 2015-12-24 15:44
    I don't know what's gotten into you and why you're being so cute but you better watch out or you'll be stuck with me for sure hahaha
  • 2015-12-24 16:09
    It's how I feel today.

I deserve better and I can do better.

I would rather go through this hurt and grow into a better more kind version of myself than stay with someone who couldn't see the value of what we had. And that's really all there is. I've come to accept that I've gotten as much closure as I'll ever get and that there's nothing left to do but move on. It's comforting to know that things can only get better from here.

I would have loved him forever, but it's obvious he would have never loved me back the same way. Why hold on to that?

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart

Sia will get you through your heartbreak.

And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not conquer love
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah let's be clear, I'll trust no one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubberband until you pull too hard
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cos I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life

And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubberband until you pull too hard
I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cos I've got an elastic heart

Read more: Sia - Elastic Heart Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Take back your power


You can't drag yourself through the mud and call it love. You can only love a person so much before they need to step up and love you back. This has been the lesson I've had to learn in the last few weeks. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my love alone would have never been enough to sustain us. It would have gotten tired and insecure and lazy. My love would have turned to resentment over time as he refused to sacrifice or make any effort for what we had.

As hard as it is to accept, the truth is what we had doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's gone.

A lot of people will say, "well at least you have the good times you shared." The truth is I don't want the memories of good times. I don't want the easy laughs or the lazy Sundays making love. I would cut them out of me and set them on fire if I could. It's okay to regret meeting people or experiences you shared. Too often we're told that we should look back fondly on what we had because somehow the very fact we experienced it is valuable. I don't buy that. It's okay to look back and think, "I wish I could have avoided this lesson." It's okay to recognize that you trusted someone who shouldn't have been trusted. It's okay to think the hurt wasn't worth the vague sense that you shared something meaningful with someone.

I trusted a man who liked the idea of being in love, but had no real intention of being with me. I don't give a fuck about the good times.
“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns. We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”
                                                                             -Brach in Radical Acceptance
Any person who hurts you or rejects you, is not the person for you. I keep telling myself this and it's true. The right person will not make you feel like you're worthless. They won't use up the parts of you that they like and then discard the rest. The person who is right for you will want you in their life. It sounds so simple, but it's not. I have convinced myself a million times that he must still care about me. That he must still feel some regret that things didn't work out. The thing I have to accept though is it doesn't matter. What he feels doesn't matter at all. What matters is that he manipulated me into thinking he wanted to be with me and then blamed me for his indifference. Because somehow me being who I am as a person is not worthy of commitment or sacrifice.

Fuck that.

Too many times I've torn myself down for a man who doesn't appreciate me. Too many times I've tried to turn myself inside out for a man who doesn't want me in his life. A man who can't see my value or my worth. That is not okay. I can't keep hurting myself and calling it love. A person worth loving will not make you hate yourself. They will hurt when they hurt you. They won't turn their back on you because it's easier.

A love that can evaporate in the blink of an eye is the type of love I am not interested in. That type of love is not enough. He is not enough. Period.
“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.”
                                                                                      -Lloyd Strom
His intentions were not to love me. He doesn't want to be with me. All the things I saw for us, taking our kids to the Children's Theater and Craters of the Moon, are gone. They don't exist anymore. If I am being really honest I can admit they never even existed in the first place. But that doesn't have to be the end. My happiness is not contingent on a man who doesn't want to be with me. That woman who plans and hopes and looks for happiness in the little things is still inside me. That's me. He didn't give me that. That's what I was giving him and he can't take that from me.

It's time for me to reclaim that.

When I love someone, I love them with everything I have. I won't abandon them. I won't give up when the times get hard. Maybe it's because I'm naturally optimistic, but I always love with the knowledge that our better days are ahead of us. That is a beautiful thing. Holding on to something after it's dead is not dedication. Holding on to someone who doesn't recognize your value is not love. It's self harm.

People always say they want a love that won't give up on them, but no one holds on. Well screw that. I don't want the pathetically thin love of an ambivalent man. I want to hold onto someone who wants to hold onto me. I may still love him, but I don't like him very much. So I am taking my power back and saying enough is enough.

I will get through this and one day I will look back with the confidence that I dodged a bullet.

Fuck the good times.

My IUD rejection and possible miscarriage

*I will be talking about my body and lots of other "gross" things. You've been warned.*

In order to understand what happened, I need to give you some back story. Because there are a few weird things that happened with my cycle in December.

In early December I had my first real period in quite a while. It was like my pre-IUD cycles and it lasted about five days. My period was heavy enough that I needed a tampon. Most of my periods up to this point were light and lasted a day or two (three at the most). I would use panty liners and I remember being surprised my period was so heavy. I even had to run to 7-11 to buy a box of tampons. I hadn't used a tampon in over a year.

Eventually my period ended and I went along my merry way.

Now lots of other things happened in December. I started a new job. I found out the guy I was seeing was hiding a relationship with another woman. I was going through some family stuff. During the month, I got extremely emotional. Fighting with my guy didn't help though so I assumed I was just being crazy. I would come home from work and just lay in bed. I did this for weeks. I was fatigued and I had issues with my appetite. I actually went 8 days without eating in a two and half week period. I would try to eat but I would feel nauseated and have to stop. I assumed this was related to my relationship woes (though even when things were good I couldn't eat), but now there is another possibility.

I may have been pregnant.

On January 1st I started my period. I bled for a day and then it stopped. A few days later, my period came back with a vengeance. I started cramping worse than I ever had and my discharge was bright red. I noticed that my period was heavier than usual and that I had a lot of discharge. As my period continued for about five more days, I passed some clots that were stringy and pretty gross to be completely honest. During this time, my IUD also rejected. Now this is weird because I've had my IUD for over a year. Most IUD expulsions happen soon after insertion, but again it's not unheard of.

Now this kind of freaked me out but everything online said that while it may be uncomfortable, there is nothing threatening about your IUD "falling out." In fact, I was kind of surprised at how common it is. The thing that stuck out to me the most though, was how much better I felt. I was still massively depressed from being dumped, but within just a few days I had more energy and wanted to go out with my friends again. I felt more in control of my emotions than I had in a while.

After talking to my doctor, it turns out I may have experienced a miscarriage. She said it was possible that my early December period was caused from my IUD being out of place and that the miscarriage forced the IUD out of my body. My period also matches what a three-four week miscarriage would look like. Now I want to point out that it is also possible that the two are not related at all and my IUD just decided to kick the bucket after a year and a half. Because I did not take a pregnancy test while I was experiencing...well whatever it was I was experiencing, the doctor can only speculate. Apparently as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and it is quite common for women to experience them without even knowing.

I'm not sure if knowing or not knowing is worse. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it because I have no way of knowing for sure and it seems selfish, but I am also struggling with the loss of something that could have been amazing. This is even more confusing for me because it is tied up with my feelings for the guy I was seeing. Part of me feels like I just can't get a break. And as horrible as it is for me to say, part of me feels relieved. There is no way a baby would have fixed my relationship and I can't imagine doing it alone. But if I'm being really honest, I think deep down I just feel a sinking sadness.

I'm not really sure what else to say.

So that's my story. I will never get another IUD. If any of my friends or family are reading this, I am sorry I didn't talk to you about it. I just don't know how to and I think I would rather not. If you found this post because you're going through something similar, I am so sorry for your loss. Know that it isn't your fault and I hope you find a little peace.

I think I would have really loved being pregnant.

How I miss the good old days but I'm so glad they're gone

Ben Harper makes life better. Enjoy.

We made love until we cried and cried ourselves to laughter
Laughed until we realized our hearts were struck were fear
How in just a moments time could one see for ever after
I gently lie beside of you and dream away my tears

Won't you let me treat you kind
We're gonna burn to shine
Won't you let me treat you kind
We're gonna burn to shine

Funny things you learn from your mama, like the way to throw your head back when your swallowing pills
Funny things you learn from your papa, like when you're talking you just can't keep your hands still

But that was now and this is then
It never lasts for long
How I miss the good old days; but I'm so glad they're gone

Won't you let me treat you kind
We're gonna burn to shine
Won't you let me treat you kind
We're gonna burn to shine

I'd like to spend the time that you would like to spend with me
So that you could help me out with my dependency
'Cause I'm hopelessly addicted, addicted to your sorrow
Makes me never wanna work, beg or borrow

Won't you let me treat you kind
We're gonna burn to shine
Won't you let me treat you kind
We're gonna burn to shine

Saturday, January 16, 2016

When the person you love doesn't love you

I was googling ways to get over someone who doesn't love you and I came across this article. It's long and I'm posting most of it in its entirety because it's AMAZING. It is the best thing I've read and believe me, I've read a lot of posts on heartache.

Reject the rejector. That's my new mantra.
The first throes of rejection are really difficult to get through. You’re angry, you’re hurt, your personality is draining away along with your sense of humor. You are boring all your friends and family with sad stories of unrequited love. You trudge instead of walk; you sob instead of cry, you bellow instead of talk. You have deep, dark circles under your eyes. Time is slipping away. Your life is rushing by. You are sure you’ll never be happy again or find someone else to love.

You go back and forth between trying to accept it and denying that it’s true. You float in the in-between world of denial. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I'll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.

Another part of you feels the need to do something. You’re not sure what, but you know you can’t just sit there. Your mind refuses to shut off, and the many options play out in your head.

I will change things. I will call or text. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will be very persuasive as to how this is all wrong. We belong together! No, no. . . . I will go out and take a bunch of selfies of me doing fun things and post on social media. “Look! It's me having a great time without you! Don't you miss the FUN me?” That will win them back! Wait! I'll hint that there is someone else. I'll make up a Facebook person and have that person make flirty comments on my page! No, hold on. I may be losing my mind because….texting is better. I'll “accidentally” text my ex and make it seem like I was texting a new love interest. . . . then I'll apologize. . . yeah, that's it. Wait. . . no. . . yes. . . ! You strive to think of something—crazy, sane and in-between—that will cause a massive reboot of your ex's mind and put the relationship back together.

Before you do anything at all, please take a step back. Breathe and take a seat. You don't want to have to babysit someone's brain. If they can't figure it out on their own, coming up with the most clever phrases and persuasive arguments isn't going to help. You might pin them down for a while, but who wants to chance that they are going to drift back to a breakup mindset? When you're wrapped up in espionage mode or creative ways to convince your ex of something they don't really want to be convinced of, you forget that “winning” the battle for the ex’s common sense is a temporary state. You shouldn't have to babysit the neurons inside someone's head lest they get caught up in wacky world of breaking up with you. No. Let them go and let all the grandstanding scenarios disappear from your life. You don't need someone who isn’t smart enough to see how valuable you are. Let it go.

Yes, that’s right. It’s time to let it go completely and do something new. It’s time to think about it differently. It’s time to renew, reverse and reject the rejecter.

It's hard to let it go. Hard but do-able. It’s hard to do nothing, but that is the best thing to be doing. Save your dignity and your sanity and do nothing. First, it’s important to believe the breakup has happened. It’s happened. You’ve been rejected. Accept it for what it is. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something, because that is exactly what you’re doing.

Many times we try to change the situation to stave off the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal and rejection. When we let go the idea of changing things, the feelings start to surface.

In addition to the normal feelings of grief, rejection brings with it negative self-talk and lowered self-esteem and self-respect. You might feel like a loser and start to drift back to the idea of doing something. This time, instead of trying to do something to them, you’ll do something to you. Your mind races with ideas:

I'll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won't complain so much. I won't rock the boat. I'll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn't stand. I'll go back to school. I'll stop going to school. I'll wear different clothes. I'll buy a new car. I'll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I'll work in a different industry. I'll muzzle my kids. I'll clean more. I'll clean less. I'll cook gourmet meals. I'll listen when spoken to. I'll go to bed earlier. I'll go to bed later. I'll go to church. I'll stop going to church. I'll pray. I'll bargain with God. Dear Higher Power: If you put my relationship back together, I'll help the poor. I'll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I'll give my next paycheck to the church. I'll join the Peace Corps. I'll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I'll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I'll do it all. I'll do nothing. I'll be more. I'll be less. I'll be everything and anything other than what I'm being right now. I'll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it. I'll work with sick children, I'll go to church, I'll help the homeless...I'll....


Stop right there. Purge yourself of all thoughts like this. Stop making promises to a Supreme Being to become a saint if only you win your love back. It’s time to go back to acceptance and doing nothing. Right now, it’s time to reject the rejecter.

Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing a Higher Power. Forget about changing your whole life just so someone who doesn't appreciate you and your worth will love you. Forget it!

The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment that makes sense: reject the rejecter.

It is time to reject the rejecter and the notion that you are expendable. Their rejection has led you to believe you’re not worthwhile. That is not true and whatever your ex believes or fails to see is not your problem.

You want someone who believes you are the be-all, end-all, not someone who finds you optional. You don’t want someone who doesn’t appreciate how great you are. You want someone with vision who will appreciate all that you are and all that you can be. You want someone who will love you and think you are the best thing ever. You don’t want to waste time with anyone who doesn’t see how great you are or has to be convinced of it.

Perhaps your ex does know how awesome you are but is not in a place to be in the relationship. It’s not about you, but about the inability to handle stressors. That isn’t a reason to give them a break. This is someone who hurt you for whatever reason and can’t deal with life and their life partner at the same time.

A wonderful, fully functioning partner can love you no matter what happens. That is the person you want to be with. Let your ex be. It’s not the right time for the two of you, and there is nothing you can do about it. It's hard and it hurts, but gently let it go.

Life can be hard. Life can be tough. But love softens it. Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it. A real love is with someone who values you and the way you soften their life's load and help them on the sometimes rocky road. A real love is with someone who lightens your load when you need it and who doesn’t stray from that path. If King or Queen Baby wants to sit on the throne, let them! You have better things to do.

Until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and yourself. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.

Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because you find them unattractive or irritating.

It’s time to work on you and to look at how you arrived at this point. It’s time to take away the “wonderful” memories of your ex from long ago and replace them with what is happening now, which is rejection. It’s time to put the focus on you and learn from past mistakes, including this one. It’s hard to think of this relationship as a mistake, but you will.

Think about the answers to these questions. What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren't in a relationship) that could improve? What patterns do you have in relationships? Has this happened before? When has it happened? How has it happened?

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn't love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won't or can't love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn't attracted to you, there is a HIT to the self-esteem. It's a rejection that stings. It’s time to let go of damaging self-assessment and get on with positive self-assessment. This exercise is not to beat you up but to help you see where your relationships are going wrong and to do something about the one thing you can do something about: you.

It’s time to refocus your attention on what it means to be loved. It’s time to reject the rejecter and understand what true love, real love, lasting love looks like. Get ready to look at your issues and figure out how you arrived in this mess in the first place. Look for unresolved issues with early caregivers and unresolved relationships. As you do that, create a relationship with yourself and then a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who will come into your life once you learn to value you. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter.

We all want someone to share life's sorrows and joys day in and day out. If this person can't do it, we need someone who will. Perhaps your ex has a fear of commitment or this simply isn’t the right one. Perhaps there is something more troubling such as narcissism or a personality disorder. It helps to see what may be keeping them stuck and to accept that it’s not changing any time soon. Too often people hold out hope that the person will change, see the error of their ways, go to counseling and come back to the relationship. That’s a fantasy that usually doesn’t happen. It’s time to let that one go.

Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. That person is out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value and will always love you unconditionally. A person who walks out or puts you on hold or wants you in “just friends” status is not that person. Anyone who has rejected you in any way, for any reason, is not for you.

The person who is perfect for you wants you. The perfect person for you loves and appreciates you and the value you bring to a relationship. That is not a little thing. It’s a big thing and it’s a “must have.” If someone doesn’t love you, doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate your value, that is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter..

Stop re-injuring yourself with questions about what is wrong with you that they don’t want you. It’s time to work on you, but not for them, for you and the possibility of real love down the line. Stop focusing on what was and think about what is and what will be. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you. . . . and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you must take time out to explore your issues, be good to you, know your value, understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.

Be good to you.

Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.

Celebrate the you that is you.

And know that the right person for you is out there.

Reject the Rejecter and embrace all that is you. . . the good is waiting for you. Believe it.

We both know the words are empty air

Woot another song. I am so interesting I know. I was cleaning my room and this song came on. Hit me in the feels.

You took my heart, and you held it in your mouth
And with a word all my love came rushing out
And every whisper, it's the worst
Emptied out by a single word
There is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I'm living on such sweet nothing
But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold
I'm living on such sweet nothing
And it's hard to learn
And it's hard to love
When you're giving me such sweet nothing

Sweet nothing, sweet nothing
You're giving me such sweet nothing

[Main Verse]
It isn't easy for me to let it go
Cause I've swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away at this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now


And it's not enough
To tell me that you care
When we both know the words are empty air
You give me nothing

Sweet Nothing
Sweet Nothing

Friday, January 15, 2016

The most painful lie I was ever told

"I love intently."

Mourn the years before I got carried away

It's funny how you can listen to a song hundred of times, but then something happens and it's like the first time.

I wanna get better.

Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause
I froze in time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

I wanna get better

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind because the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

"Hey, I wanna get better!"

I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

I go up to my room and there's girls on the ceiling
Cut out their pictures and I chase that feeling
Of an eighteen year old who didn't know what loss was

Now I'm a stranger

And I miss the days of a life still permanent
Mourn the years before I got carried away
So now I'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself,

"Hey, I wanna get better!"

I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

'Cause I'm sleeping in the back of a taxi
I'm screaming from my bedroom window
Even if its gonna kill me

Woke up this morning early before my family
From this dream where she was trying to show me
How a life can move from the darkness
She said to get better

So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet
And I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away
That's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself,

"Hey, I wanna get better!"

I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

Thursday, January 14, 2016

People fall in love in mysterious ways

I remember hearing this song and wanting to fall in love. It's just so pretty and lovely. I guess the joke is on me, but when I sing along I feel like things are going to be okay.

Where are the romantic fools at? I need one. I am tired of being the overly sentimental one. I'm tired of always being the one who tries to be thoughtful. I'm tired of being the one who tries at all.

"Take me into your loving arms..."

What does it matter that my love could not keep her

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her void. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Two Tone Eyes

Anyone who knows me knows I adore makeup. There is just something transformative about it. For a long time makeup has been given a bad reputation for being the tool of the patriarchy, but that's an incredibly simplistic way of looking at. It is also belittling to the women who choose to wear it.

For me, make up has helped me come to terms with my identity. I would not be Alana without it. And if that makes me shallow, well I'd rather be a shallow version of myself than anything else.

When I saw this tutorial for a two tone makeup look, I fell instantly in love. It's just so interesting and creative in a way that is still wearable (for me at least). The liner and the lashes ground the look. I've worn the look out twice now and both times I've gotten a lot of compliments. If you're looking for something new to try, I would definitely give it a go.

I waited too long to pick up the Mi Vida Loca Palette (*sobs*) so I just used a random blue and yellow eyeshadow I had in my collection. I used the colour pop liners which are AMAZING and super affordable. I decided to use blue and yellow instead of just blue and it worked out well.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016


If I could go back and do things all over, what would I do?

I would have been more honest about my hopes for the future of our relationship. My desire for something more serious took me by surprise so I wasn't prepared for my jealousy or insecurity. I unfairly asked you to carry the burden of that and I'm sorry.

If I could go back, I would have been honest that I didn't want to share you. And I would have left when you didn't feel the same. I can't control how other people feel and you don't owe me any affection you don't have. When you expressed a disinterest in being with only me, I should have ended things. Not out of spite or anger but because that would have been the right thing to do. It hurt, but what happened in the weeks that followed only made my heartache that much worse. I deserve someone wants to be with just me and you deserve to not be forced into something you aren't ready for. I'm sorry I pushed so hard.

I became so fixated on a specific outcome that I lost the ability to be open to different paths of happiness.

In a weird way I've been freed from that prison of expectation. I now have limitless options at happiness. There is no one way for anything to work out. There are innumerable paths with infinite possibilities. I feel myself opening slowly like the petals of a flower.

I wanted to be with you so much that I forgot that I was happy before you.

Relationships happen in the moment. They aren't something you own or something to be gained. They just are. I should have trusted that things were going to work out. And when I found myself incapable of trust, I should have left. I couldn't give up the hope that I could just make things happen the way I wanted and I'm sorry for that. I hope you know it all came from a place of love. (And fear I suppose.) I go into this new phase of my life with a little more trust and little less fear. Things really do work out the way they should. I have to believe that.

The thing I was most afraid of happening happened and I am okay.

That's a freeing thing to know.

If I could go back I would kiss you hard and tell you I loved you. Then I'd walk away with the hope that you would find your way back to me and the knowledge that it was okay if you didn't.

It's still okay.

I love you and I'm sorry.

I think I am done writing about this for a while. There is just nothing left. I am at the point where I am no longer writing for myself I think. I need to find what happiness looks like for me in this brave new world and I can't do that if I keep reopening the wound. I think I'll always miss you though. It would have been grand adventure. You'll always be my biggest "what if."

She's mad but she's magic

Sometimes you just have to find a version of yourself you can live with.

That version of me is sassy and opinionated and unapologetic. I often make a fool of myself, but I just don't care. I try not to focus on the times when things don't work out. Instead I am chasing those magical few moments when it all pays off. When my madness and my impulsiveness are rewarded by the universe. That is what life is about. The shots you thought you could never make and the rewards you never thought you'd reap.

I don't always make good decisions. I am impatient and selfish. I'm not always as understanding or kind as I would like to be. But you know what, I really try. I try more than a lot of people. And at the end of the day I will be there for you.

I'm not looking for a perfect relationship. I am not looking for someone who "fits me perfectly." I'm just looking for someone who won't give up on us. Someone who won't give up on me.

I am the best version of myself when I'm jumping off cliffs.

So I guess I'm finally okay with everything that happened. I won't pretend I'm over it or that it doesn't still hurt, but I did everything I could. I said everything I could say and tried and tried and tried. I reached out time and time again, even when I shouldn't have. Even now, I am trying to be open to whatever happens. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.

He was right to say I was trying to force things to work out the way I wanted. It may not have been fair, but it was accurate. Of course I wanted things to work out the way I wanted. I was poised to lose everything. How could I not fight? How could I not try? Here's the thing though, it didn't work. I was still left with nothing. So maybe a new approach is the answer. More than just the answer, it might be the only possible way to move forward.

For a little while I had the love of a wonderful man. I just couldn't make it last. I need to stop beating myself up over that.

One day I will make it last.

It's the chance I have to take

This has to be one of the best covers Glee ever did. Listening to this song breaks my heart. It is so so good.

I hope one day someone feels this way about me.

Monday, January 11, 2016

If You Forget Me

Two years ago I posted this poem by Pablo Neruda. I thought it was lovely and sweet. Today it does something else to me.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

If each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love
, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Maybe it's time for me to leave this place

Today is a hard day to be so far from home.

I love you mom.

I hate Sundays

Sundays are hard for me. I got used to spending Sundays blanketed in warm affection and good conversation. While Sundays used to always seem to be too short, now they are much too long. For every minute I fill with mindless distraction, another dozen pop up. I started the morning feeling strong and confident, but now I find myself reaching out to the past again.

It's hard not to yearn for the warmth I once had.

In an attempt to distract myself, I re-watched the episode of The Office where Pam and Jim get married. It's one of my favorites and it always makes me feel sad in a happy way. The episode is just so sweet and I remember waiting for it for so long, that it is deeply satisfying in a way I never thought a television episode could be. Watching it tonight was an interesting experience though.

It made me realize that I had aimed too low.

The thing about Pam and Jim that always stood out was their connection. They just seemed to understand one another. They don't have everything in common and they don't have the same type of personalities, but they just seem to get it. No matter how crowded the room is, their eyes will always find one another. Small private smiles and jokes unsaid fill the spaces between them in a way that is just too damn sweet.

I want that.

And for a little while, I think I had that.

I haven't always been kind to the man who broke my heart in my posts. It's hard to find kindness when you are deeply deeply hurt. Even now, I want to remind myself of all the ugliness because it's just easier that way. It's hard to be honest and admit that your favorite person no longer wants to spend time with you. Or see you. Or even talk with you. It hurts in a very deep and simple way that is unbearable at times. There are just no words for the hurt. I didn't just lose a lover. I lost a friend. I lost camping trips and swimming in the summer. I lost the excited look on his face when he's teaching me something new. I'll never see the look on his face when he meets my mother and I'll never see the look on his mother's face when she meets me. I lost more than just a relationship. I lost cuddling on the couch and the taste of his lips. I lost the hope for better things. And it is really fucking hard.

He feels like home and tastes like magic.

Maybe it would simpler if I could convince myself I wouldn't have been happy. But I just can't. He told me he thought I had the potential to make someone really happy, but he just didn't think that was him. (Ouch.) I wish I could agree with that. It would easier if I did, but I just don't. I see nothing but happiness. The small things about him that bother me have been playing on repeat in my mind all week and still I can't let go. I see laughter and inside jokes and lazy Sundays so clearly. I could reach out and touch them if only he would let me.

But he won't.

So I am forced to carry the burden of that future alone. Maybe this is what I need so I will be able to try again with someone else. The problem is, I don't want someone else. I don't want that future with just anyone. The only reason I want it at all is because it's with him. That's what I can't seem to explain to people. He isn't irreplaceable. But that precious collection of future endeavors, it is. And so I take that fragile seed and I hide it deep within myself hoping beyond reason that maybe all my love and all the tears will manage to keep it alive.

It hurts to hope.

I am looking for a Pam and Jim kind of love and I won't settle for less.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

I got a stone where my heart should be

I survived a week. Next week I will do more than survive. This one is for you.

You said the moon was ours, yeah
You said the moon was ours, to hell with the day
The sunlight is only gonna take love away
Raise up suspicions and an alibi
But I can see through tear-blinded eyes
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I got a stone where my heart should be
I got a stone where my heart should be
And nothing I do will make you love me
I'd leave this time, break all my ties
Be no more use for any disguise
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

I wanna die without pain, yeah
I wanna die, oh, without pain
All this deception, I just can't maintain
The sun, moon, stars in the sky
It'd hurt me too bad if you said goodbye
Lies, lies, lies, ohh lies

My heart is a mass of red thread

I came across an old post about when I got my red string of fate tattoo. I thought the sentiment was as true now as ever.

The red string of fate is "an invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” The Chinese believe it is wrapped around the ankle, while the Japanese say it's the pinky. Either way, I've been enamored with the idea since I first read about it. I love the idea that our hearts are just coiled up bits of red thread that are connected to all the people we love and ever will love. There's something precious about the legend that appeals to my inner romantic.

Speaking of romance, the tattoo is also a reminder that love will happen when it's supposed to. Sometimes I can come off as cynical, but the truth is I believe in taking chances. Maybe I've seen too many romantic comedies, but I'm looking for something exceptional. I want to meet a person that inspires me to take a big leap. Someone who makes me want to change my whole life. For some reason I find it slightly embarrassing to admit that, but I will not settle for mediocrity in love. So when I meet someone I just click with, I can get almost obsessive about them. I get overly excited and try to rush things along. Maybe I do this as a form of self-sabotage because I don't think I'll ever truly find such a person. Sometimes I worry there's just not enough love in the world to keep me satisfied. Either way this tattoo is a reminder to step back. To let my emotions flow over me without drowning in them. Things will work out the way they need to. Just as they usually do.
Sometimes we take a chance on the wrong person. I will not be ashamed of that. I have been wrong so many times that sometimes I'm afraid there will never be a time when I'm right, but I will continue taking that leap. And honestly, I think that sums up everything magical about love and life.

I will build myself a mosaic masterpiece with your leaving

You only text me when you want to talk about how I am being unfair to you. You can't even pretend to care how I am doing.

Our feelings for people ebb and flow you tell me.

I once told you that actually. We were standing in line at Costa Vida. I said I felt like loving someone was the art of falling in and out of love with them over and over again. Not all feelings can be maintained at high levels of intensity. It's too difficult to always be in love. The moments of intense passion and gratitude for your partner are not the measure. What matters most is what you do when the tides recede. What do we do with all the broken seashells and junk that washed up on the shore? That is when love matters.

I'm relieved to know now, rather than five years from now, that our relationship couldn't survive low tides.

Sometimes our hopes are dashed.

My shores may be covered with broken sea glass, but your shores are barren. So keep your empty tears and hollow words. They were never for me anyways.

I'll keep the glass.

My body is still in love with you

Do you think it's possible for the nerves of our bodies to remember things long after the memory fades?

I can feel a new rhythm slowly settling over my life. I feel more clear headed than I have in a while. I can sleep again. I am mostly eating again and I'm starting to feel more like my old self. There are moments that still hurt, but they seem to not last as long nor happen as frequently. Friendly Alana, a woman who can charm anyone, has made a reappearance. I am getting my confidence back and I find myself flirting and talking in a way I haven't done in a while. It's like a much needed stretch after a long period of inactivity.

My body has not forgotten you though.

In the spaces between my thoughts, my body demands to be touched by you. It feels like a betrayal as I feel myself flush in anticipation of a moment that will never come. A release that will never be granted. I try to appease my thirsty body with the mouth of another. But there are no others. Not for my traitorous body.

You touched me and galaxies blossomed beneath your fingertips.

The lips of a beautiful man becomes a lonely place. The embrace of another is nothing more than a reflection of desires unfulfilled. I am unappeasable. My mind seeks relief, but my body will not forget you. I feel the two bicker and snarl at each other, jarring me out of the moment. I can't stay in the moment long enough to truly enjoy it.

All are compared to you.

My body refuses to be satisfied with another. It longs and demands like a small child. A wild animal pacing its cage. Does your body long for mine as well I wonder? Can you remember the sweetness of my thighs and the warmth of my desire? Can your fingertips still remember the curves of my body? The feel of my mouth pressed against yours? Does it call to you as it does me? Or is my body merely answering an echo of passion long gone?

My body is still in love with you.

ETA: This is what happens when you've been drinking and you think it's a good idea to be "honest."

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Keep my glass full until morning light

Holy fuck this song.

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier1

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink
1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

Friday, January 8, 2016

GNOT: Tell your stories

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
                                                           - Anne Lamott

I am the sea and nobody owns me

This morning was tough. I woke up abruptly from a dream where I was still in love. I don't even know what we were doing, but it was simple and perfect and it broke my heart all over again. I spent the first few hours at work in a fog. Sometimes I would cry. Actually, too often I cried. I reread all the things I had written and felt sorry for myself. I even texted him. (No one is perfect.)

Sometimes I think we hold on to pain because we enjoy it in some weird way.

When I'm hurting, I have a better connection with myself. I can be honest and vulnerable in a way that I don't often consider when I'm happy. I think the gift of happiness is you don't have to stop and consider if you're happy. You just are. But sadness doesn't work that way. It demands to be felt.

Sometimes I wonder if I wanted things to work out so badly because I just needed to know that they could work out. Maybe I was tired of failing to care about anyone. I was tired of treating love like an inconvenience. I wanted to try for once. He asked me several times why I fell for him. If I can leave you with anything it's this: don't trust a partner who doesn't understand why you love them. His insecurity and his disbelief became my burden to carry. I was forced to continuously try and prove myself while he used his doubts as the justification for deception.

Seriously, don't do it.

My next lover will know they deserve me, but still feel grateful to have me.

I am trying to remind myself that I am bringing a lot to the table. I am a bright spot of color in people's lives, especially in a state such as Utah. I am animated and my eyes light up and I am quick to laugh or smile. People often tell me I'm intimidating and you know what, I like that. I like that I can make a grown man unsure of himself. I like that I am not for the faint of heart. I often joke that loving me is like loving a wild animal and you know what, I want it to be. I dress how I want and say what I think. I take risks and will continue to say "yes" as long as I have the strength to. I believe that life is about creating yourself. I may wear black lipstick to the grocery store and yell at your mother on Thanksgiving day, but I am wholly myself. Always. Not a lot of people can say that.

I used to feel oddly bad that he kept telling me he had so much in common with her. But you know what, finding someone who has a lot in common with you when you're just like everyone else is not a rare or special thing.

Part of me feels like I've been replaced, but I know deep down that's not true. I'm the one who challenges and excites. I'm the one who got dressed up and took salacious pictures for his birthday. Pictures he wanted others to know he was receiving. I'm the one who donned only lingerie and a coat to remind him how wanted he was. I bought his kids Christmas ornaments to help plant the seeds of a new tradition and cooked meals infused with all of my love and care. I made him feel smug for knowing I was with him and no one else could have me. I gave him the stars and all the best parts of myself. I gave them without hesitance and without restraint.

What did he give me?

I'm not sure he gave me a whole lot to be honest. Now that I can take a step back, I can be more honest about that. He wouldn't compromise for me and go to any of the places I wanted to go. He never introduced me to any of his friends. I couldn't even get him to see a movie with me. All we did was sit in his apartment. For a little while it was enough, but I should have known then that he had no intention of investing in what we had. Relationships take work and he didn't want to put in any work. We talked about vacations I knew we would never take and shows I knew we would never see. He wasn't even interested in any of the tv shows I recommended (apparently the list she had given him was just too long to fit my stuff in as well). The only time he really tried was on Christmas Eve and I kind of wish he had never done that.

In a weird way he gave me more in breaking my heart than he did with anything else.

I am walking away from this experience with the knowledge that I will be open to love when it finds me. That it's okay if I want something casual to become something less casual. I am not a static being and I am allowed to change and evolve as love and hope slowly shape me. I walk away knowing what it's like to love someone who doesn't love me back. I know now that yes it does hurt, but no hurt lasts forever. I am also walking away with a little more self respect. I tolerated a lot of things I shouldn't and I think I needed to be reminded of a few things.

I am not childish enough to say there was nothing wonderful about the man I fell in love with. There were lots of wonderful things. I'm just not sure where that man went though. He got swept up in the sea of life and the version I was left with was incredibly lacking.

I want a partner who allows me to change. In fact, I want a partner who wants to change and grow with me. I am looking for new experiences and new challenges. I don't want to be a witness to life. I want to be an active participant. For a little while I think that scared him and so I tried to hold his hand, but I don't want to have to do that. I am looking for another bright spot of color in this dim world. Not someone who needs to constantly numb themselves because they need to escape their life. I don't want to be someone's escape. I want to be part of the fabric of their life. A shiny bit of gold in a sea of grey.

So yes, my dreams and my body may still be in love with a man too scared to stay.

But my mind is slowly changing.